quick hello

I just wanted to quickly say hello and thanks to the commentators on my last post. And clarify that while his relationship with Joyce and the many others is an ongoing problem in our relationship that wasn't what I was referring to. It does however effect my decisions as it would since it is not something I agree with and never will. And yes Joyce is attending the Texas party but I can assure you that the contact between us will the minimum I have to. Which will be maybe just the ride up there if I choose to go with them or I might fly myself or I might not even make it this year. Who knows. Theres a lot of pros and cons with my relationship with Thomas though but things are quickly leaning more towards the cons more and more. As I have said I havent made any choice yet and dont know when I will if I will anytime soon. Our relationship is changing though and I dont know yet if it is for the better or worse. I can say though that with everything that happens detaching from him gets easier and easier. Ill keep everyone posted when I can but I have alot to do now as far as work and the house and the kids.

reflections

I know my post recently have not been the happiest and I am sorry for that. Some things are going on that are weighing on my mind and things and there were a few recent choices that were made by Thomas that I dont agree with and cant live with. I wont go into details because it doesn't matter what they were just that it reflects on our relationship greatly and I have had plenty of time alone recently to actually sit and reflect on things. working nights and sleeping days and then the few minutes we have to actually talk or what not hes preoccupied anyway. And considering I wont get to talk to him till Sunday probably anyway since I work all the rest of this week I havent made any final decisions and I dont care to at the moment. Sometimes I wish I could change things but I cant. And sometimes things happen that make us see a different light even if that light isnt something we want to see. Believe me Id rather not see things the way I do but I do and that cant change regardless of what choices are made now the outcome will basically be the same. I have to rest as I work tonight but just wanted to say i am sorry for the recent blahness and hopefully things will be better soon. I doubt I will be making the trip to Texas this year but I have recently looked into attending a local party. We shall see how things go. I havent given up on the spanking scene though and I should have more spanking stories to share soon. I probably wont post much till Sunday just because ill be working and sleeping but we will see. I'M still here though just taking a emotional break for now.

Lost

So not having very much of anything to write as of late I just have a few pictures and songs that are on my mind at the moment. I might try to do a meme or something for tomorrow but today I am just not in any mood to do anything much. Just share some pictures and songs I like at the time.

crumbling for a reason

After I wrote my last post today I managed to be able to start cleaning and getting some things done. When I'm really mad I usually clean to get the stress out if I am functioning that is. Sometimes my emotions get so bad that I cant function but since being with Thomas it hasn't really come to that lately. Although I was afraid I was quickly heading there in the last few days. I opened up some of the windows to let the fresh air in. Its a raining breezy day and our electric bill came so I wanted a way to stay cool without adding to that bill. When I opened it though I got this overwhelming sense of something being wrong and a flooding of memories. Not good memories but I was somehow able to control this like I never have before. I remembered the memories and the "flashback" as my therapist likes to call them. Usually though I dont recall them or even know they are happening but I did and I knew why. It also lead me to realize the reason for my frustration and anger and feeling of wanting to detach myself. Though I still havent figured out completely how to handle these moods it is a good sign I think that I can recognize them. Which aren't really moods so to say but symptoms of the PTSD. Certain times of the year or certain events that happen daily can quickly set me off so to speak. Certain times of the year as well just make me constantly in a mood and makes it difficult for me to go about as usual. May June and July are especially difficult for me and I feel sorry for Thomas having to deal with me. I am not the easiest or friendliest in those times and I seem to walk around with a hugh chip on my shoulder lashing out at anyone and anything that threatens me or I see as a threat even if that threat is loving me. It cant be easy to have a relationship with someone that doesn't know how they feel but yet harbors alot of emotions all the time. Granted I am healing I am learning and I am in a good place being with Thomas. That is if I dont manage to push him away through these times. I think some of the reasons for things creeping up now is one the time of year, Two having to have contact with a trigger on a daily basis recently, stress from life as it is now, and my own feelings of still not being used to being loved and cared for. I know in a few days Ill be alright for a little bit but also know that the next couple of months harbor alot of emotions and triggers and I am not completely over it. I still have that overwhelming sense of wanting to detach from it all. That feeling that at the time things were happening actually saved me now is a hinder to me. Its still a coping mechanism but it is a destructive one and not easily combated or controlled. Though I can say it is better controlled now then before.

As the Cookie crumbles

Well I have alot I need to be doing and should be doing but I am in one of my moods for a few reasons. My mind goes to wondering and it doesn't help that things have been stressful naturally by the trials of life in general. We had a bit of a stress relief the night we did the cookie challenge but that was a temporary fix and left my mind with more and more questions. I know I am rambling and things and probably do not make alot of sense as I dont know my own feelings sometimes. Sometimes when things start to feel better and things seem to be well between Thomas and I or life in general then I tend to be more defensive and in a sense just waiting or looking for the downfall that I know is soon to come. Its a response i have become accustomed to and find difficult to combat at times. Its like the closer I get to someone the harder I want to push away. Thomas and I have gotten close over the last few years and there have been times that I wished he would go away. Deep down I want him to stay but also I want the feeling of security I get from insecurity. If that made any sense. I started to write a letter to a long time friend of mine. We havent had alot of contact since we both moved to separate areas but we are still very close and have had some contact. In writing the letter or attempting to I tried to make sense of my feelings and seems I just cant do it and the more I wrote and thought the worst I felt. Putting my thoughts on paper or on my blog tends to make me have to think about them which is what i need to do but then again for the last almost 30 years of my life I have had this thing that keeps me from having to feel. You know if you dont let yourself feel then you cant be hurt. It has helped me survive quite a few really difficult things in my life and kept me from winding up in a hospital with a straight jacket on. Hard to explain something you only half understand yourself. Being in a relationship with Thomas took a whole lot of getting used to it is the total opposite of any relationship I have had in my life and the feeling of Love is one I battle with daily and havent gotten completely used to and sometimes I just dont want to feel it. I question why all the time why would you love me and why do you stay type thing. Sometimes the feelings are so overwhelming like they are now that I really cant bear the tenderness and love and all the cuddling and jazz. I think Valentines day had an effect on me and a few of my past memories of life and my parents and all that stuff that leads to feelings of hurt and all that and being loved and held through those times left me kind of in between my feelings. Some people turn to drugs or drinking or things like that to not have to feel but I have learned another method and that is closing out the world and those around me. Smoking also used to help me and I'm thinking could help me now somewhat. Doesn't help that I will be working tonight and most of my coworkers smoke so getting a cigarette wouldnt be a hard thing. But my way of handling things is against the rules of our house and against his way of loving me. He doesn't like when i close myself to him or my feelings as i do and it gets difficult to be around him when I feel this way yet it is a stronger feeling then having to worry about any spanking I might get from it. And id like to think that a spanking can get me out of it which it sometimes does. But I have received a few spankings for my attitude the last night or two and it hasn't snapped me out of it or helped in anyway. Oddly enough I havent even cried during tis bout of emotions and feel like I'm back to square one with the whole thing. Shutting myself off from him was alot easier when he wasn't there everyday and when I didn't have the strong feelings I find myself having for him now. At least I dont have to worry about the cuddling thing till Saturday anyway since I will be working while he will be sleeping and i will be sleeping while he is working. I hate all the emotions i have during these bouts and i hate how strong willed my emotions are as well as me and i hate that I feel mad confused frustrated and hurt yet still somewhat loved and loving. I'm torn between wanting to fight and win and wanting to fight but him being stronger and winning. Torn between wanting to be loved and not wanting to be at the same time. Torn between alot of emotions that I really dont want. I dont know its one of those things were i dont know what I want how I am feeling or why I feel that way other then it is a whole different situation when there is someone else that I cant tell how I feel or why I do what I do. Just that I have overwhelming and strong feelings that contradict the other just as points of our relationship contradict what I feel is love. I guess i will just have to see if this is a mood or an end.

update

Well the rematch didn't happen last night and I have no clue as to when we will have the chance to do it again. I know it wont be this week and probably not next. My schedule at work doesn't leave for alot of nights anymore and since Thomas got a vechile yesterday well actually he got a bus and I wont even attempt to drive that. He will once again being spending his Wednesdays and Thursdays at his others house. So it wont happen tonight and I work the rest of the nights. I'm not really in the right mindset anyway and last night a few things were said that led to questions in my mind and moodiness not having alot of sleep and being unable to sleep contributes to that mood but there are a few other things that also add to it. I didn't get off spank free last night though he did end up using his yellowjacket and hairbrush on me when he finally decided to go to bed but by then I was frustrated and mad anyway. At 8
o'clock when I had been trying to get some rest and had a headache and wanted to take some tylenol he said no since we were going to do the challenge he didn't want me to have the codeine in me or tylenol. So I struggled to get some rest until 11 when we were going to do the challenge rematch. Well I awoke at 1130 and he was resting with his head down at the computer and had decided that he didn't want to either because he had a headache from being over tired as well and he got into bed saying we would do it tonight. Though I got frustrated and took the tylenol then I wasn't in the mood for cuddling or any of that. And reminded him that he said he wasn't going to be here tonight and that I work all the rest of the nights. When he could have made that decision when I asked him a few hours ago about not doing it so I could have taken some medicine and gotten some rest. When he got into bed he wanted to cuddle but I was tired and moody and the last thing I wanted was cuddling and someone near me. I just wanted to go to bed. But he insisted that I cuddle and when I got aggravated and whining he took me over his knee and used the hairbrush then using the yellow jacket as well. Having me lie down and cuddle afterwards and when it got to be too much Id try to hear when he would start to snore or be asleep and then try to get out from under his arms and go to sleep although he woke up once more and took me over his knee again before he finally fell asleep enough that I could get out from under him and go to sleep myself without being touched. I can be a fighter when I am in those moods and sometimes I give up and in easier then others but last night I wasn't having it I was not in the mood and I was glad when he finally got to the point that he was asleep and he gave up trying to fight it as well. So I am going to rest today. I should clean the house and a few other things but I really am not in the mood for that and i think I will just rest some while I have the house to myself. Besides it is Wednesday and he wont be here tonight so if I really want to I can clean tonight when I have my daughter home to help me as well.

Rematch tonight

Tonight Thomas and I are going to do a rematch of the first Cookie challenge with the hand. Although this time the odds are going to be staked in his favor. First I worked my first 10 hour third shift last night and found it difficult to sleep today. So I am kind of irratable and tired and we have to wait to after the kids retire for the night before we can even start. Given that I also had to take some of my asthma medicine that makes me more sensitive. I am still hoping though to outlast his arm but last time when I was in more of a condition to endure it proved to be a semi difficult task and the spanking did hurt ever so slightly. I am a little worried that I might be the one to cave around the same time this time. We shall see though I am still hopeful that I will prevail and outlast him. I am pretty sure that the hand spankings are the only ones I even have a chance at it anyway. SO wish me luck tonight and I should have some hopefully good news and more bragging rights to report tomorrow.

Spanking and crying

Jflame has written about crying and wanted peoples thoughts on it so it kind of sparked me a little because just the other day after the Cookie challenge I had asked Thomas about weekly spankings for stress release. For me that means ones that lead to crying. Though Thomas said that with the Cookie challenge underway that should be sufficient and he doesn't want to have weekly spankings with anything that would cause bruising and such. Which I can understand as well but also know I couldn't get that crying release without the bruising. I have written before about it, crying during or from a spanking is a rare occasion for me. I have only really done it if I was upset and not really wanting the spanking but then the crying isn't actually from the spanking but from my feelings at the time of the spanking. And I cried a few times from sessions from smoking. Those sessions were intense ones as the goal is to keep me from smoking not having a spanking I enjoy. The first time I ever cried was when we were doing daily spankings for smoking when I first tried to quit. It got to where I was getting pretty sore and the spankings actually hurt just thinking about them. I cried a time or two during that. But other then that I usually dont cry. So I am also curious as to if others cry and how easily it is to cry from a spanking. And I also wonder how many people think that the act of crying from a spanking really is from the spanking or from the emotions around the spanking or of the spankee. It makes me wonder sometimes how crying can be such a release for me. Sometimes just sitting down and having a good cry helps but I dont know why that is or how it does.

Cookie challenge video

Okay I got the permission to post the video from Thomas and since my post was pretty boring today I decided to do it now lol. Here's the video from the first past of our Cookie challenge. You know last night when he cleaned out his toy bag I realized there is quite alot of things to challenge. We could be doing this for a long time. The video is hosted on spanking tube and got quite a few views already before either of us got it in our blogs. Hope you enjoy.

The after Day

Yesterday was Valentines Day and I hope everyone had a great Day. I worked late and brought a friend home for a little. Ill write more about that in a minute. But Thomas had to work in the morning getting home around 1 I had to turn around and go to work at 1:30 I didn't return until almost 10. So I woke up the kids and gave them their Valentines presents which was a card and a box of chocolate like every year. But they were happy. And before I left for work I gave Thomas his card and had gotten him a few Reese's peanut butter hearts. Then I scooted out the door to go to work. Now where I work for those that know what it is I work at a waffle house. We had gotten a phone call at work someone asking if we were serving candlelit dinners that night. It was surprising that a breakfast place was asked that though. We kind of laughed about it all night. I said the same thing though as some of my coworkers. The last place I would want my SO taking me for a romantic dinner would be waffle house. lol. I would much rather be taken to a subway or something like that. But we were pretty steady and got some of the overflow from the surrounding restaurants that were more on the romantic higher class level but they were packed. I was thinking we might be pretty slow that night but I was wrong. I received a rose though. Someone in the morning had brought roses for all the girl employees. The highlight of my night though came later. I had written a post before about a coworker of mine that I found out is into the same things though their relationship is the opposite as she is the Dominate one and he is the submissive. She had offered to take me home so she can come and see some of our implements. SO I showed her mine including the new paddle we just got from Rosy Bottoms. She had asked me about where she could get a nice paddle and I had told her about Paddle Masters but they weren't taking orders so I gave her the card I had for cane-iac and she got on the website and ordered a few things to surprise her fiance with. She was excited and that was the first thing she told me when she got to work. I was happy for her as well. Needless to say we had fun going through our implements and Thomas emptied his bag and showed his to her as well. The conversations at work when I work with her are quite fun. though. After she brought me home and we looked at things and she left Thomas got on the computer and I laid down to rest since I had to get up at 630 this morning to work again. My schedule now is crazy. I work third second and an occasional first when they need me which today was on a Sunday. Now I had forgotten how busy Sundays were since I havent worked a Sunday almost since I started working there about 6 months ago. My legs hurt I have a headache and I am tired. I'm also tired a little from our activities last night. After I had laid down Thomas later woke me up. I awoke to being restrained and blindfolded so we had a great night that included something we both liked. I wont go into much detail but their was spanking involved so I did have a wonderful Valentines night. But I am wore out from today. I have to work tomorrow all night though but I like the third shifts because they are 10 hour shifts from 9pm-7am. I am scheduled 3 of those and one day shift next week. So Ill be happy with that if I get those hours every week. I just found out yesterday that minimum wage went up for servers probably everyone I think. So I also get paid more now as well. My weekend was great I had a night with the flogger with a little of the nylon cane that he likes added in. I dont much like that but since it was Valentines Day it was only fair since I am a submissive that I take something I didn't like as well as what I loved. I hadn't had been flogged in forever but very much so love the flogger. Spanking in itself doesn't really have a erotic feel or turn me on much but a flogging always does. I am going to rest a little I have a killer headache and I am getting a little groggy since I took a Tylenol with codeine in it. The video is finally at a host and as soon as I get Thomas's permission Ill post it. I think Tuesday we are doing the rematch if all goes well. Take Care

Happy Valentines Day

Today is a special Day for Lot's of reasons. It is Valentines Day a day that the world set aside for showing love to those that mean alot to you. As a special post for this day even though I don't believe that we need a day to show the ones we truly love that we do love them I want to post my feelings for my very special Valentine loves. I have a few. First Ill start with my children since they have always been and will always be my favorite and most special Valentines in my life. I love my children all of them just because they are them. I love them unconditionally without them needing to give me anything their is nothing or no one in this world that can ever take that love from me or them. They are forever and always the closest thing to my heart. On this day and the other 364 days of the year I want to celebrate that love as it is one that will never die.



My other important Valentine in my life is of course Thomas. We have a very special relationship that I cherish and enjoy everyday. Our love is also a love that I believe will never die. The feelings are to strong and the love shines through greatly in every thing we do. He holds a very special place in my heart for many reasons. I love the way he always makes me smile and laugh even when I dont want to. I love the way he holds me even when I fight him and refuse it. I love the way he pushes me to show my feelings and the strength and loving guidance he provides me in my times when I need it the most. I love how he plays and cares for our children. Who aren't his by blood but are very much his in every way. When the children are sick or hurting he is there for them as he is for me. I love when we all goof around and laugh and play and when I see him smile and laugh. I love his little annoying quirks as well that make him unique and him. I love going to bed at night knowing he is right there beside me even if he isn't in the bed or house. I love everything about him. I love when we get the chance to play and get some spanking in I love the feel of his hands on my bottom making it all rosy and warm. But most of all I just love him. I love the feelings I get just seeing him. I especially love watching him think it gets me all warm inside because he is so special to me and very unique. The love he has given me and the children is a love I have never felt before and probably never would again except with him. He is special to me and always will hold a special place in my heart no matter where our lives lead us. I love you Thomas and Happy Valentines Day. And here is a special Valentines day card that is a reminder of the fond memories we had last Valentines when we did the spank the heart contest and won.



I also consider quite a few of my friends special Valentines as well. While we dont share a sexual type intimacy i have some very deep and close feelings to some very special friends who I love and cherish very much as well. They also hold a very special place in my heart and i am very thankful and cherish all the loves in my life. From my kids to my friends to Thomas as well. Everyone of you are special and dear to me and I am glad that I have a chance to love and be loved by all of you. Happy Valentines everyone. I played around a little with some valentines generators things and Im sharing them here. Hope everyone has a great day today and I am hoping to get a Valentines spanking in as well *giggles*

Love happiness and abuse

I was getting things together to do a special Valentines post tomorrow. But I have so much going through my mind at the moment that the memories and things I get from doing that post helped me decide what I wanted to write about today. That as well as the renewed and better spirited Thomas and I are since our Tuesday spanking time. It got me to thinking about a few things. Last night Thomas had worked on the video and tried hard until at least 12 something to get the video on a host so we can share it. Well for some reason we dont have the video yet but hoping by tonight that will be worked out. When he was on the computer and messing around he handed me his empty cup and said liquid refreshment please. I joked with him and refused to go get it telling him the soda is in the fridge and I was in bed. I then also said I dont have a ring or a collar so I am not owned and dont have to do it. He laughed and grabbed the cane sitting by the computer joking back and giving me a swat or two. He said something about being the holder of a cane says that I have to do it. granted this was all in fun playful banter and really had either of us been serious then there would be a big issue in our relationship. But there isn't and no I am not some mindless doormat because I choose to get him what he wants most of the time (lol I can be stubborn and need persuasion now and then lol). I have written before about my feelings on submission and things but it all boils down to a loving, caring, trusting relationship. Without trust and caring that same instance could have been a control issue and signs of a abusive relationship. Dante wrote a good post about this thing we do and abuse as well. You can read it here. And I have had a few people tell me that I am in an abusive relationship and that I need to look more careful at it and see that. Even saying that those in abusive relationships often dont see it and dont see their need for help. But coming from both sides of that spectrum I very well know the difference between abuse and non abuse. The majority of my past relationships were abusive. This one is not and is far from it. Which reminds me of a time I talked with a past acquaintance of mine. At the time we had the conversation we were "friends" though now I dont associate with this person anymore. But her remark to me after we had talked a little about my past and things I had went through was "No wonder Thomas seems like your knight in shining armor." Or something close to that it was awhile ago so I cant remember the exact words. But even now I wouldnt say I look at him in that light though I do see a very big difference in any relationship I have ever had with anyone including my family and my relationship with him. Which is also why I have been able to heal better then ever and I can get through some of my issues from the past and my other relationships. Also why their is a big change on how I feel at times about affection and love.



I am not an affectionate person by any means and prefer not to cuddle and hug and all that. But with Thomas I do. It took me awhile and it took me seeing that his words I love you have real meaning and aren't just words that are said for the sake of getting a piece or anything like that. he means it when he says it and he shows it often. I am not going to get in to a lot of detail about love today as that's a special post for tomorrow since it is Valentines day. But I will say that Thomas and I do share alot of love in our relationship and while some people cant understand it or see through our blogs or refuse to believe it because they think their has to be something wrong since we are in a spanking or BDSM relationship. But all that really natters is that he and I can feel it and it is there and we both know it. How others see it doesn't matter to me anyway. I am confident in who I am and who I am with and that is all that matters. But I often wonder how certain things can have so much meaning and how a simple act such as spanking can make a person feel so much better. Like Tuesday for instance. That spanking came in a time in our life when we were both pretty frustrated and stressed. We had gone for weeks with an underlying level of frustration and emotions and both of us much needed an outlet to get those emotions and feelings out. Tuesday gave us that outlet and provided us with a much needed stress relief. An 8 minute or so spanking lifted both our spirits and helped relieve a lot of pent up frustration, anger, stress and alot of other feelings we both had. And it was a safe and sane thing as well. I can take alot as far as spanking and pain usually. And spanking the bottom is alot safer and better then someone who is abusive and takes their stress and anger and things out by hurting or abusing someone such as some people do. Having a spanking relationship makes that all the better and gives an outlet for these feelings and things to go. I read somewhere sometime it was said that if you have a problem and are fighting with a wife then take her and have her lie down on a bed and whip her till she is crying then you'll both feel better. It actually is true provided you have a consensual agreement and are involved in that type of relationship. I would much rather have a fight where the end result is a just a sore bottom and not a broken bone or a break up. And if Thomas ever just decided that he needed a stress outlet and grabbed me and spanked me till he felt better I wouldnt feel at all abused or unhappy. In fact while I might fight it at first or be less then happy about it till it is actually preformed in the end I am sure that we both would be much happier and their would be alot of hugging and caring and my man that I love and cherish would be happier as well. What is so wrong with that. Nothing in my book. No counseling or amount of talking can ever provide the same stress relief and feelings a good session of spanking does And since I am the spankee in this relationship any spanking I get is worth it no matter what the reason or if their was a reason at all. It also doesn't matter who was in need of it or who whose fault the fight or what not was started I feel much better knowing that the only thing I will come out of it with is a sore and bruised bottom. Which heals rather quickly. If he is mad at me for any reason fair or unfair then I would much rather he take that all out on the safest place my bottom then anywhere else such as drugs drinking the rest of my body or my children and all that. Abusers do that stuff. When I am moody and stressed nothing makes me feel better then have him beat it out of me so to say as long as that beating is on my bottom and is done loving and caring. People not in a domestic discipline or power exchange relationship or even in a spanking relationship can see that but many that read this blog probably can and know what I mean. Thus can understand why Thomas and I are in much better spirits now after our Tuesday session. We will have problems again and their still is stressful factors in our life there always will be and no one is perfect and no one is always 100 percent happy all the time. But we have an outlet we have a means of nipping those things in the butt so to speak lol. Should Thomas come home and one day say in the garage I feel like spanking you my first reaction might be what did I do but it would be perfectly okay with me if the answer was nothing I just need to or want to. I would much rather he do that then start drugs or drinking or anything like that or come home and beat me senseless as an abuser does. And i also feel if I ever have the need or ever go to him and tell him I need a spanking he would be more then happy to fulfill that need as well. Is my relationship with Thomas perfect? The answer is no no one has a perfect relationship. Is it a good one? The answer is yes very much so. Even when we have disagreements and things our love and our caring for each other shines through. I push his buttons quite often but he never stops loving me and i never stop loving him. We care too much about each other to let the trials and tribulations we face in life get the best of us and our relationship. Sometimes we go through moments but that's normal everyone does. But I am HIS and I belong to him in every way shape and form. Because I know he would never hurt me intentionally and I can trust that he wont use his ownership to violate or use me.


I want to be his I choose to be here and HIS. If he was abusive or our relationship was bad then I know very well my feelings would be alot different and i would be in fear of him. I am not in fear of him because i know the worst thing he would ever do to me would spank me till I cant sit down for awhile and that isn't that bad of a thing anyway. We both have come a long way from when we meet almost two years ago and we both will go a long way. I dont see our relationship ever changing that much except in that it will grow and get stronger as we go along.

Rosy Bottoms

After I wrote two post yesterday I went to the mailbox and I had a package. Our prize for winning the hand print contest by A.S.S. had arrived. I was excited and showed it to Thomas last night when he got home from his long ride from work. Although last night I was still a little sore from the first filming of the Cookie challenge which Thomas will be working on the video for that tonight so I should have the video and full story tomorrow. I wasn't able to test out our new implement but Thomas did say that after we do the rematch we will use the new "been a bad girl paddle" we received. The paddle came from the website Rosy Bottoms. I was looking over the website and think that that paddle will be the first of a few items we get from there. They are fairly priced. I found a very nice flogger that Ill be putting on my wish list at their site. It is the A Bouquet Of Roses 32" Cat "Oh" Nine Tails. I am a rose lover and even have a rose tattooed on my chest and the flogger is one of my favorite implements for erotic type things in spanking and BDSM. I will save up a little each week till I have the 60 some dollars for that. It probably wont be used often but I love the looks of it Here's a picture of it it is a beautiful flogger that I want in my collection for sure. I also found some of their nipple clamps that peaked my interest as well. As far as the spanking implements they have I liked the Have A Heart Leather Paddle, Madames Silken Lavender and Leather Paddle, Touch Her Heart Black and Pink Slapper. I also found another that really peak my interest as it is a rose as well as purple two of my favorite things again it's a riding crop though and I want one of those as well It's called Romantic Rose 26" Crop - Purple
Another flogger Id like to get is the Tease Her Fluffy Purple Faux Fur 19" Flogger. I also found a very nice hook to hang my rose flogger on It's The Rose Flogger/Toy Hook Since I am a rose lover this site has many items that I would like. While I may not like the feel of the bath brush I did like their Rosy Bottom Luxury Bath Set I think it would look great in my bathroom and ill make sure it is only used for decoration lol. They also have a very nice kitchen set as well Rosy's Deluxe Vintage Kitchen Set. These items are safe to display even with kids around as they look more decorative then spanko related a good way to keep items handy without risking vanillas being overly concerned about them lol. There's even A Brat Pack that comes with a door hanger and wooden hairbrush and corner time timer. Now that might be a little less vanilla looking though but I still like it and could keep it in my closet since I'm not a brat anyway and wouldnt ever need it anyhow *giggles*. They also have a section titled purple passions which almost anything from there I would like just because it is purple. They also have some nice collars?chokers Im still hoping one day Ill be collared. I also saw on their site a few key chains that were interesting as well as some other jewelry and things. It is a very nice website that I am sure many will find something their. With Valentines day only a few days away that site might be a nice way to have a very romantic and interesting night. Check Rosy Bottoms. out though I know Ill be adding them to my favorites now. As well as putting a link on my side for others. Ill be taking a picture of the new paddle tonight and sharing it tomorrow when I share the video and story of the Cookie challenge. Speaking of my sidebar I need to also go in and update my links and add quite a few of the blogs that i like and found I have a few that I read often that I havent linked up yet and need to do that. Hopefully tomorrow I will have some time for that as well. Both kids were home sick today and I had to walk them to the nearest walk in clinic which isn't too far but it was a very long walk with two sick kids. So I didn't have alot of time today but should get that done by Monday sometime hopefully.

Rematch

After I posted my last post today I got a phone call from Thomas. Reminding me of a few things I need to do today as well as asking how my bottom felt. I told him that it kind of feels like a rug burn feels. It isn't too bad but I can definitely feel it and my bottom is still red lol. I'm probably going to have a bruise somewhere when it is all said and done. He also said that he was at an unfair disadvantage since the couch we were on sank in where he sat so his knees where raised thus raising my bottom higher. He wants a rematch where he can sit on a level chair. So I guess we are going to have a rematch while we might go longer that way I am still certain I will win again. Maybe this time I can talk him into letting me color *giggles* I will be less then comfortable this time as I wont have anywhere to lay my head down as being over a knee on a chair makes it more uncomfortable and harder. But I will give him the rematch for the sake of fairness lol. I think he will still do the first video and compare it to the rematch probably next week after by bottom heals from last night. This is going to be alot of fun though and I am glad to get the chance to get some spanking play in again finally. I have to get going though and get some of our transportation issues worked out the best I can.

The results are In

Im feeling alot better today as last night we were able to begin the Cookie challenge. Its amazing how a little spanking can make someone feel so much better *giggles* I guess it wasn't all that little though. I wont divulge all the information though until Thomas gets a chance to work on the video and all the juicy details. I will tell you that I won the hand portion of the challenge and my bottom outlasted his arm *giggles*. Now I have bragging rights. It was alot of fun and something we both have needed for a little while. With the kids safely in bed and us way out in the garage we were able to get some good time in for some spanking play. His hand started hurting though but it didn't stop him from continuing the play to better things when we got back to our room afterwards. Something that we both needed as well and havent had alot of time or energy to complete. I had a wonderful night and I'm a bouncy happy person today even though I do have a sore and warm bottom. It isn't really that sore but I can feel the effects from that long and hard of a hand spanking. Usually his hand really doesn't have much of a effect on me and specially not the day after. Today however it does. When you see the video you'll be able to see that he didn't really go that easy on me either. There were a couple of times that I made faces when we were watching the video that I told him it did hurt a bit but wasn't to much hurt that I couldn't take it anymore. I asked him during the spanking if he plans on hitting that hard with the implements and he said most definitely. I have a feeling that once an implement is in the mix I wont outlast him. I dont think I could or will handle a hairbrush spanking as long as the spanking was last night. Major ouchie but we will see. At least I know a little more about how long his arm will last though. But for things like the strap and the paddle and cane those will be more how many strokes I can take. I can handle alot I am sure of almost anything besides the cane, and the hairbrush could prove to be a hard one as well. We apparently are going to go through his whole implement bag and he has quite a collection though. I had wanted to bring crayons and a coloring book with me but he said no lol. I think that would have been quite a video if I was sitting there coloring while he spanked me till his arm fell off. lol. Anyways we had bundles of fun and very soon he will have the video done so we can both share it on our blogs. Don'T forget to read his blog for his side of the Cookie challenge beginning. Gives us some nice things to write about. Should have known that Thomas was not the person I should have wondered around lol. Telling him I wanted to know how long and how hard of a spanking I can take was maybe a mistake Ill later regret lol. For now though I win! I win! hee hee.

The Cookie challenge

Well I guess tonight we are going to begin the Cookie challenge. It has been awhile I know but we are going to start tonight with a "hand spanking". We are going to see how long we can last with each implement in Thomas's toy bag before one or the other of us safe words out. Well I will safe word out and Thomas will just stop lol. I know for certain that I will outlast him on the hand tonight its the rest that he might outlast me on. I know for certain that I will call red real quick with the canes though I cant really take to much of those lol. The spankings will be at about a discipline level so they wont be to easy to do for either. Anyone wanna make a guess as to how long I last with each one? We are also taping the challenge so we can share the video with our readers. The hand spanking will probably be a long spanking though so Thomas will definitely be making it shorter for the blog purposes. But anyway i have to go and cook dinner and rest a little its going to be a long night *giggles*. Its the afterwards that Im waiting for. Hopefully he wont wear his self out on spanking me though. So prepare to have some video in the next few days though.

wanting something

Things lately have been really hectic and trying and I have found myself emotionally unstable partly due to increasing stress and other emotional things going on in my life with my parents and my oldest daughter. Add to that the PMS I encounter and my monthly time as well as Thomas also being stressed and going through things. It is these times when I usually like to be by myself and alone but in the past almost two years I have been with Thomas my needs have changed. Now I want some kind of intimacy even in those times when I would have usually wanted aloneness I find that I want to be wrapped up in his arms or have his strength and endurance guiding me through the pain and anguish I sometimes feel. I havent gotten that though except a few days ago when something hit me really hard and I was a crying mess before going to work. I had been crying all day and really couldn't pull myself together very easily. Thomas knew I would be hurt and I would be upset but neither of us were quite prepared for the feelings that I let overwhelm me or the realization I came to that night. He was very supportive even though some of the things effect him just as much. He held me for a little as I cried and for me that was a big step as I usually dont like to cry in front of anyone even him. But at the moment I much needed his touch and his arms. He let me cry as he held me for a little while before telling me I had to go and wash my face up and things since I had to go to work in a few minutes. It ended up that they had changed my schedule and I got to come home and not have to work all night that night so I was able to come home and I went to bed. Sleep came alot easier then it would have had I been alone or without the chance to have cried alot of it out. But I still have plenty of emotions from that as well as alot of others. I know Thomas also has alot of stress and things on him right now and part of them I feel bad about because it is due to being with me and becoming a part of our family. Lately it just seems to me that Thomas and i just exist together anymore and it seems that all his time is spent on the computer or at work or we are sleeping. Other then a few moments here and there where he plays a little with a couple of swats. Our time is less then intimate anymore. I cant even remember the last time we connected in anyway especially in an intimate way. I think I need it so much. I am missing the way things were when we were not living together when we only had a hour or so to be together so we made sure we were actually together and connecting either watching tv and cuddling or playing or what not. Now we dont really even have that. There hasn't been a night when we laid down together even to watch tv and I lay on his lap. We havent even gone to bed at the same time and I have been frustrated and just feel a distance between us. It might not even be there but it feels like it. I know alot of it is that I need him so much more now then I want to admit. He mentioned last night that since they aren't doing the contest that we need to start the Cookie challenge. I kind of think we need the play time but also I dont feel really up to it. odd how at a time when I need a stress relief I dont want one. There are just to many mixed emotions right now I dont even know myself what I want or need. I think we need a night to ourselves to connect again. I wish at these times I was able to express myself better. Granted I have gotten better at that but I still have issues with it. Alot of times my feelings come out in anger or pushing away those closest to me. I dont even realize it at the time I just get so frustrated usually not at the person but at my own feelings that I act out and push away any chance of love or tenderness. And I just feel like right now Thomas might not be at his strongest either since stress and things in our life are effecting both of us I feel like maybe Ill actually push him away this time and really that isn't what I want deep down. Sometimes I just want the world to go away or end finally. I hate when I get in these moods but I just dont know how to get out of them. This shall pass though it always does but there are times like these when it seems like it goes on forever and there isn't going to be a passing or the passing is short lived before something even more painful or stressful happens then it happens all over again. I really wish i knew where that magic wand is I need it. I need something but I just dont know what at the moment. As you all know I like music in these times I am sharing a few of my favorite ones during these times I like to listen to. The first one called hold you down plays on our jukebox at work I like hearing it and it is played often and it always makes me think about Thomas. The others I just like and help me through tough times.

spanking and work lol

wow I haven't had a whole lot of time to get on and write. I have had a few interesting situations though regarding work and spanking but Ill get into those in a minute. I want to apologize for the lack in posting recently. I have gone back to work and things at home have been busy. Lots of changes and things and Thomas's car decided to die on the way to his work on Thursday. So we have been having to find rides to go anywhere and are still trying to figure out getting our daughter to school since we usually take her in the mornings. I have a ride lined up for her to get home but getting her to school might pose a problem. Anyway we are hoping to find a cheap car in the next week or so until then though things are a little rough. As far as spanking goes there still isnt a whole lot of that going on either. Besides a quick little spanking before work yesterday I haven't really had any spankings or gotten any play in. The kids walked to a park near our house yesterday while I was getting ready for work so I teased and played with Thomas a little while telling him I wanted to quit work and be a stay at home mother. He didn't agree and when I jokingly Sat on the bed and said I'm not going to work I quit he grabbed the hairbrush and took me over his knee for a quick spanking over my pants. It was nice to play a little again but it didn't last to long that's for sure lol. Im still hoping to win the 5000 a week for life from PCH. I even told everyone at work that when I win I will be sharing the wealth with them. On a good note though it looks like our store will be reopening one of the stores it closed in the past in our area. If that store reopens i might get more hours back and might be able to get back my first shift instead of working second or third. Speaking of work working second shift there is usually just two of us working a server and a cook. While the cook I work with is great and I knew her a little from working and her being friends with my roommate when I lived with her. She is planning on getting married in August and in talking about the bachelorette party I told her that I dont drink. She had asked me if ever and I said very rare. So I have become the designated for the party. It sounds like it will be alot of fun and even though I dont drink I should have alot of fun watching them all. lol also in conversing it somehow came out about my fetish and spanking things. I became aware all to quick that I wasn't alone in that area either. Now the cook has a very dominate personality but apparently she is with someone that enjoys a little spanking as well. I already told her that I was planning on getting her a paddle masters paddle with their names and wedding date as a gift for them. They are happy about that. She was going to also join the half assed contest. They are fairly new to the whole thing but realized there joy of it by accident really. It is kind of funny story though I wouldnt be able to retell it right since it also was a week or two ago I found out. So we have had some fun conversations and things since then about it. Also last night at things were steady but for some reason I kept forgetting to call the meats until I went to call the orders. I did it a few times but the one time a customer at the counter was watching us and heard me mess up and the cook say she was going to kill me for messing her up all night. He then decided to say whip her I think she needs a flogging for it. I immediately turned red and my cook busted into laughter since she also knew about my kink. He then told her that he had a bullwhip out in his truck if she needed it. After he left I the cook and I were still laughing about it and I said oh if he only knew lol. Though I dont think I would enjoy a bull whip to much. It has been fun and interesting for sure though at work. I am still looking at attending Texas this year and things look a little better as far as childcare wise. the money issue might still be a problem but we will see. As I had mentioned that I was planning on buying my friend a wedding present from paddle Master I regret to inform you that Lee has come on some hard times as well in this economy and has had shut his doors for Paddle Masters. His site is still up but it informs you that he isn't able to take any orders at the time. I am hoping that this will soon change and he can open his store back up. He has alot of great products and he is a wonderful guy. Now I have to find somewhere I can get that present for them but I am sure that they would prefer his paddles as they have seen them before and they are good for beginnings like theirs. As a result of his closing he had to pull his offer for the prize and since Todd and Suzy hadn't gotten much interest besides me they decided to not have the contest either. Unless more people show an interest they aren't going hold the contest or find another avenue for the prize. But I think Thomas and I might still just do it and hope the contest restarts. If not then we can have alot of fun anyways lol. Well I am off I have been stressed for awhile now and Im going to rest some before I head to work.

spanking survey

I found this survey on Suzy's blog You can...say it here. I answered it in a comment as well but thought it interesting to share here.


1. Is spanking a turn-on for you?

not usually but I am finding it more so.

2. If a guy/girl swatted you in public, how would you react?

just a quick swat is fine with me and has happened.

3. what if it was a full spanking?

Well I wouldnt be happy if it were just anywhere but I have had some "public" spankings at spanking parties and things. General public though I would be pretty uncomfortable with.

4. Imagine a guy/ girl says "young lady / man, am i going to have to put you over my knee?" ... what was your reaction?

Id giggle and say I didnt do anything so why?

5. Spanking or your favorite food?
depends on if I am hungry or horny lol

6. Do you find yourself thinking about spanking often?

yeah pretty much lol

7. With a certain person?

Thomas mostly but I have had my fantasies with others lol.

8. Anything you don't like about spanking?

How socially unacceptable it has been made to be by people who dont understand it. And I dont particularly like discipline or punishment spankings though I understand the need for them. I dont like spankings that leave you less then fulfilled or needing more. hard to explain though I bet saome spankees know what I mean

9. Spanking for sexual turnon or punishment?

I choose turn on they are funner lol is funner a word?

10. Ever been called names for liking spanking?

nothing I know about except the usual terms for them such as spanko spankee submissive. Actually though at work Im labeled as freaky because of it. lol

11. Ever done something to try and get yourself spanked?

yeah thats what bratting is about but thats more for parties and play times never anything really serious as I really dont want those kinds of spankings.

12. Spanked by guys or girls?

guys so far but I wouldnt mind trying a spanking from a girl I often wonder if it would have a different feel.

13. Jeans or dress up?

for the actions leading up to it I prefer dress up but also like bare bottom for the actual spanking or a flipped up skirt

14. Ball gags.yes or no?

yeah I like more of the BDSM side of things

15. Handcuffs.yes or no?

YES very much so I really like bondage and things

16. Do you like to be held after a spanking?

honestly not really Im not a very affectionate person

17. Do you feel self-conscious completing this?

Not really it isnt that private as most of this people already know about me

18. Would you give anything to get spanked?

well if I would the only thing I know would work would be if i gave attitude lol. But I dont really have to give anything I live with a spanker it comes natural and free lol. Maybe not free since my ass pays a price most times.

19. Has anyone called you a brat?

Yes, though they are mistaken *giggles*

20. Are you a natural brat?

Compared to what, an artificial one? lol I like suzys answer but I am not a brat at all *giggles*

21. Ever looked up spanking sites?

why of course is the sky blue?

22. Ever got spanking books?

not really I have read some others own

23. Why spanking?

because it is fun and interesting and it does alot for both parties. It also helps with intimacy in relationships and I love my spanking relationship. I dont think now that I have had it so often I could go without it.