The punishment video

Thomas recorded one of the few punishments I had received the last couple of days. I made it two nights so far without getting in to any more trouble but I also havent taken that pain medicine either. He placed the video on spanking tube hoping it would be up for a Saturday post but it didnt post till early Sunday morning so he wont be writing about it till then. For now I decided to go ahead and share it on my blog. Its very rare that we video tape any of the punishment spankings since they are personal and all. He had planned on taping the caning as well but something happened and it didnt tape. I am kind of glad though I dislike the cane and I am also glad he didnt make me go through it again for the camera. The video recevied to comments from some weirdos claiming that my panties in the video were horrendous and that I was a lard ass. *giggles* I think it is funny how some people have nothing better to do in their lives then be rude and hateful to people they have never even meet. But if you pay attention to the video then you'll realize that you don't ever get to see my panties. All you see are my shorts bunched up. I guess whoever wrote that thought my shorts were my panties. Nope I had on white panties since they were white shorts so you really couldn't see them in the bunch anyway. They are cute by the way and Thomas likes white panties on spankos. Especially when it is a schoolgirl scene. Anyway here's the video from one of the spankings I had recevied.

Some bad nights

The past three days have been pretty rough for me. I have been out of whack and really moody causing myself to be spanked nightly. Friday night Thomas decided to tape my punishment spanking. I had teased him a little during the day about a video I saw saying I was glad he didnt spank as hard as that. I paid for saying that though. He made an attempt that night to make sure I got a spanking like the video. He didnt want to be labeled as a wimpy spanker but that wasn't my attempt. I never meant he was a wimpy spanker just that he has gone pretty easy on me sometimes when he spanks. I wont ever say that again though. I recevied a really hefty dose of the paddle and I am still pretty sore from it. But I also have been spanked for the last three nights in a row. And last night he had used the cane. He did let me off easy with the cane though I only had to take three strokes. But those three strokes were pretty intense. I had figured out earlier that day a little of what my problem probably was. And decided that I wasn't going to take the pain medicine I was before bed this time. It made me irratable and kept me awake almost all night. So I was irratable from the medicine and tired from going two nights with no sleep really and I took most of the frustration from that out on Thomas during those nights. I ended up even sleeping on the couch one night because i was so irratable and couldn't sleep. Last night went well though when I wasn't drugged. I took the cane strokes and headed to bed sleeping in the state he wanted me too without fussy or getting real irratable with him. I am pretty sure alot of my problem before that was the one medicine I decided not to take that night. The only problem is that is the only medicine that actually helps with the pain rather then just make me drowsy. But it does make me very irratable and I dont mean just a little irratable I was irratable to the point that I was ready to hurt someone and that is just not me at all. He was going to record the caning for video as well. But something happened and it wasn't captured on video. He was nice enough to just take pictures of the afterwards instead of making me endure another three strokes for video sake. He could have but I was glad that he didnt. I tried to talk him out of any strokes but I had deserved them and did act very horrible the night before so I did actually deserve probably more then the three he gave me. I did however make it through last night without making matters any worse for me. For that I am glad. I wouldnt want to have to be spanked again tonight while I was still sore from the last three nights. I am hoping that by not taking the medicine I wont be so snappy with him and the kids today either. I also have been pretty busy driving around doing errands and things. I was really glad when Thomas was able to take off yesterday after lunch to help me drive to get my son in Apopka. Its about a two hour drive each way and I had been not sleeping so I was very very tired. The night before the last time I remember looking at the clock was four something in the morning and I have to get up around 630 every morning to get the kids ready for school and all. So I was not looking forward to taking a four hour round trip alone. I was afraid that I would end up falling asleep at the wheel. Long driving when you are tired tends to do that. So Thomas came along and he was able to drive home. We made it home safe and sound and with my twelve year old as well. I will be spending alot of time with the kids this weekend this is his last visit to us before he comes home for good next weekend. I cant wait though it will cause more stress as when all three are together they tend to get in trouble or get really annoying and things. I love them all greatly but you just know how it is when you have three kids running around and especially when two are boys that like to wrestle and get rough. I am still looking for a job though that is getting frustrated as well. We are also trying to figure out what we are going to do with all the kids when I do go to work since we cant trust to leave any of them alone together. The only one we could leave would be my 15 year old but trust with her is not that great as she tends to make bad choices when left to her own for too long. Well I am going to get going and spend some time with the kids.

Failed attempt for the Cookie challenge

As promised here is the short video from the other nights attempt to do the cookie challenge. This is the second failed attempt as I keep ending up with blood. Thomas doesn't continue when that happens. I'm thinking we may have to move on to another implement for now and retry the lexan again later. Who knows though that's up to Thomas. Might just be my bottom can't take as much as I can. Enjoy the little we did get though.



We also had our trip to the garage last night where I recevied a pretty good dose of the "gift". I don't know if it is my medicine or what but I have noticed I am more sensitive to spankings lately. Hand spankings rarely bother me but I have noticed that they hurt a little more recently. I have been in a rather bad mood the last couple days. Not quite sure why. Some of it is frustration I suppose. Some is probably added stress recently. And another might be my medicine. I do know that I am not quite myself lately though as much. And that isnt good news for me. I have a feeling I will end up taking a few trips to the garage since I am moody and snapping at everyone around me. And since Thomas and the kids are there everyday around me they get the brunt of my moods. I also just dont feel like being close to anyone Thomas included and fight his attempts at being cuddly or intimate and things. I havent a clue but do hope that I snap out of this mood soon before I end up not be able to sit for a little while. granted though sometimes I think he does go a little easy on me.

Cookieholic?

Lol my daughter played this song for Thomas and I the other day. She only knows Cookie as a nickname not a scene name but it still makes this song pretty funny considering my name is Cookie and my blog is titled the Cookie Jar. I found this video where they feature Cookie Monster which is what Thomas likes to refer to himself as sometimes in chats and things. Well not so much refer to himself but he uses him as an avatar for chats and things. And he likes to torment me with the C is for Cookie song. Now there is another song he can use against me lol. Though I dont mind this one as much as I like to think that others are Cookieholic's if that would be how you spell that. So for all my readers that cant keep their hands out of this Cookie Jar blog here's a song for you. lol.



Now as far as the Cookie challenge Thomas and I tried once again to do it last night with the Lexan paddle. We got into about 23 swats when it broke skin again and we had to stop. He is currently downloading the movie to spanking tube as we speak. However it is a false start. I could have taken more and have taken more before. Not to sure why it keeps breaking skin. Its in the same spot. but we will be sharing the false start video as soon as it is available on spanking tube which is probably going to be tomorrow. But we will keep trying until we can get it done. Though we might have to try a different implement first until we can get to the Lexan again. Who knows we will see. As far as other spankings I will be receiving one tonight from Thomas. Not to sure what it will be but do know that it will be a spanking as he told me that we will be taking a trip to the garage after the kids go to bed to discuss my disrespect on the phone today. I was a bit moody and showed it when he talked to me to the point that he hung up on me. Later he talked to me and told me about the trip to the garage tonight. So ill have something to write tomorrow and hopefully the false start video for you to enjoy.

A Day At the Beach

Sadly we were not able to meet our friends from Atlanta on Monday at the beach. I was able to talk to them some before they left. But I missed the chance to meet some new people and see LeeLee again. Thomas and I decided to take the kids to the beach anyway. We had a great time but every one of us is red as red can be from sunburn. But we did enjoy ourselves regardless. We arrived around one and left about four. So we weren't out there too long but long enough to be paying for it with burns. Our other son is coming to visit us this coming weekend and we are planning on going back to the beach with him. After this visit he will be returning home for good the following weekend. I talked to the pool guy today and our pool should soon be back to swimming condition. Which I cant wait. So I have a feeling that this summer I will remain quite a lobster lol. My daughter took most of the pictures so many are in black and white she seems to like taking pictures in black and white. There are a few color but not many.

The first picture is one of the many that my daughter took on the car ride to the beach. She loves to take pictures and loves taking them in the car on the way to wherever it is we are going as well.



This next picture is just a random picture of the beach while we are there. I took this one while we were sitting on our blanket. We saw some lighting when we were in the water at one point and decided to go sit down for a little bit till it passed. Alot of others had the same idea though. It quickly passed though and we were back in the water soon enough for some more fun.


While we were at the beach my daughter took a few pictures of all of us. She took a few of Thomas resting with the towel over his head as well as one with me standing by the bathrooms. I cant show many of them because they are of my children but I will share the ones of Thomas and I. She had mentioned getting a shot of us kissing like she likes to get. We never got that pic. We kissed plenty she just never caught it on camera though lol. So here's a few pictures of Thomas and I lieing at the beach. It was hot and very sunny though lol. So we had to cover our faces while we were resting.
first me standing by the bathrooms



Thomas and I resting together



Thomas being caught peek a booing lol.



Surprise she actually got a few color pictures here's another one of Thomas resting right after we got out of the water once.



No day at the beach is complete without some sand play. Here's a pic of a hole my son worked on digging much of the time at the beach.



My daughter also did some sand play by writing in the sand. heres a few things she wrote and took pictures of.




We had a fun filled day. we went home and I made hamburgers for dinner. We don't have a grill so we had to cook them regular. I am hoping to get a grill and get Thomas out there for grilling on certain holidays. It might end up I have to learn and teach my oldest son though. Thomas isnt much of a cook at all. I think if we go to the beach this weekend like we hope to then I will make a sand castle with the kids or something. I had somehow managed to get the backs of my legs and thighs burned as well. I had teased Thomas earlier that day and told him that I was going to wedgie my bathing suit and burn my bottom declaring it off limits. He teased back that I might want to rethink that as he would have alot of fun tormenting an already burned bottom. I choose not to though. I am glad for that as this morning he took me across his lap for a few swats before we left to take him to work. He of course didnt avoid the sunburned thighs. I will be very careful next time to assure that no area that might be in his swatting zone gets any type of burn lol aside from him causing it lol. I'm still waiting for the great win of say a million or so dollars. It would be great to buy this house and remodel as well as get a grill and a few other things. I think then we would be able to take a few vacations that include spanking. Theres a few parties that are around that Id like to attend but we just cant afford them. Publishers clearing house is still in my hopes one day. The lottery as well. It would also be great if we could get Thomas on the show who wants to be a millionaire. I am sure he would do really good. He knows alot of the answers when we watch it. Theres a few game shows I wouldnt mind playing like deal or no deal and the price is right. Family feud would also be fun to play. Well I am off. My back is hurting and my burn is burning lol. I cant take my pain medicine during the day because I have the car and I cant drive when I take it. I sure wish I could im going to try to lie down for a little bit before I do my chores and things.

Happy Memorial Day

We really don't have a whole lot planned for today. The kids are home from school of course. Our pool needs to be cleaned it got a little green over the past few rainy days. We are working on trying to get it cleared but we are limited as to finances right now. So that's the last of our issues. We will get it cleared here soon though. Today we might be getting together at the beach with some friends from Atlanta that are here in Tampa. Yesterday Thomas went to meet with them. I was going to go but I have been having some problems with my back lately and I was in alot of pain and I had taken some pain medicine that makes me pretty drowsy. I am convinced that pain medicine does not really help the pain it just makes you drowsy and able to sleep through it for the most part lol. Anyway just wanted to write and say hello. And hope that everyone remembers what today means and gives a special thanks to any soldiers they may know. And for those that are still out there fighting for us keep them in your thoughts and for those that pray keep them in your prayers as well. Have a great day.

I have no clue what to title this post lol

I am doing a little bit better today emotional wise. I pretty much decided that the issues with my daughter are better left to be handled by Thomas as I can't really emotionally deal with some things right now. Not that he really agrees but he is so much better at the talking thing and I much rather not have to continue to think about certain things that get to me. The fact that I have to at the moment regardless just because it is there is enough to keep me emotionally off balance for a little while. I dont mean that I won't be there to talk to my daughter if she wants to. I will most certainly be there for her that way. In about two weeks are family will be totally together for good. My son is coming home to stay in two weeks. Lots of things to do to get everyone ready for the reunite. It will be alot more stress for everyone. But he is doing better and now that I have Thomas to help me with them it won't be as difficult to deal with all of them together as it was when I was a single mother. Are only difficulty now is finding childcare for them so I can find a good job. I am currently not working again and things are tight with Thomas losing his Saturdays. But we will make it somehow I am sure of that. Our daughter is considering getting a summer job so she will be able to help out some and get the things she wants herself. I talked to her a little about putting at least half of what she will make in a savings account for herself so she can have some money for a car and things when she gets through school. She wants to be a pediatrician and is looking in to a college nearby that has good medical courses. I want her to have some savings for herself when she gets there. I would really like for her to be able to accomplish her dreams in that area. I am confident that she will do well because she does do good in school work. She received the responsibility award for her class last night at the awards ceremony I was very proud of her. She is usually pretty responsible in most things but she does make some very wrong choices when she is left with to much. We had a little celebration when we got home. I bought a cookie cake that said great job for both the kids since my son also recevied a character award at his school. We got a nice window cling for the car but our windows are tinted so we are the only ones that can see it. But it is nice for him to know that we put it up even if no one else can tell lol. AS far as the spanking side of things last night Thomas came home and took me out to the garage with our "gift". He said I needed a spanking for stress relief and few other things that have been going on. He gave me a pretty solid dose of the gift paddle. I am still a little sore tonight even. It didnt really relive much stress though. When we returned to the bedroom he had me undress completely and made me lie with him and cuddle. I wasn't really in any real mood and fussed for a while. I recevied a few light cane strokes as well as almost got myself restrained. I managed to settle enough to avoid restraint. And he eventually let me get my panties and shirt back on. being undressed is a state I really don't feel comfortable. I only do it for him sometimes. He likes to make me just to bring out my submissiveness sometimes. But given the other option he gave I was content with just being undressed. I hate anal sex as well and he sometimes like to give me choices as to what I will do some nights. Its either lie down undressed and cuddle or receive anal sex. I of course choose the undressed state as that is just uncomfortable the other option is more painful. I kind of wonder why I never made that a hard limit. I had taken a BDSM checklist type thing and showed it to Thomas a long time ago. There were a few things that I listed as would never do unfortunately I listed anal as only if asked to. I dislike it but I enjoy submitting to him and that means doing things I normally dont want or like much. I mean it isnt anything that really would damage me just not something I would be keen to say hey lets have anal tonight. I would never ask for it and I try to avoid it as much as I can. After that though I usually do feel very cuddly and very submissive and we are connect closer when we have a session like that since I he knows it is something I dont neccasarily like but am willing to do for him when he asks. Not so much asks anymore but when he decides. I gave myself to him and that means every part of me. Well I am heading to lie down I took my pain medicine and it is making me drowsy.

when blue skies turn grey

I have to admit I probably shouldn't be trying to write a blog at the present time. But sometimes it just feels better to get it out though I am sure it isnt really going to help much at all. I have had a very rough morning emotional and not so sure I understand everything myself. yes I am happy and content as far as my relationship with Thomas. And I wanted to mention that a friend that has been a reader of both blogs and chatted with Thomas a few times wanted to do something special for us on our anniversary. She bought a Hawaiian pizza for us to share that night just as we did 2 years ago. It was a very nice gift and greatly appreciated. I cant thank her enough. We havent ever meet her yet but I am sure that Thomas will be meeting her real soon as they are both attending an convention coming up. So we were able to eat some pizza and cuddle. I cant really say we did much more that night as it was late when he got home anyway and I feel asleep in his arms while we were watching some TV. I awoke later that night kind of frustrated and upset just because I had wanted to be able to share a little more that night it just didnt happen. It had not been happening much lately anyway so it wasn't a new thing. He awoke that morning and tried but I was in a very defensive get away from me mood. I wanted more then a quickie before he had to leave and wasn't about to participate in one. We did however get a chance last night to get some much needed time in the bed together. Sorry we havent had any spanking play recently but are still hoping to begin the cookie challenge again. But times are tough right now. More so emotionally for me alot of recent events have triggered some very painful and past memories. Some things I wish would just go away but they dont. I cant get certain things off my mind I remember quite a few traumatic past events and certain things seem to trigger these memories more and more lately. Some of the reason I know is the time of the year as well. May june and July are very hard months for me as it is. Add in the recent dramas of our life and disaster is unavoidable. I know a little better how to handle my feelings but that doesn't stop me from feeling them. At least the fact that I can feel now is a good sign because there was a time in my life when I went completely numb and had no feeling what so ever I couldn't laugh I couldn't cry I wasn't happy and I wasn't sad I was just like a zombie I went through the motions of every day but I wasn't there. I was a blank shell unable to feel or care. A friend of mine told me that I was a strong person because in the times of any trouble or anything I was always so calm and like it was nothing she wondered how I can let things go so easy and not be effected by them. Truth is though I was effected by alot of things and it really wasn't a strength but a weakness. It was more so I just couldn't feel so it probably seemed as if it didnt phase me cause nothing phased me by then. It was by then that i realized that even death wasn't so scary anymore and was even a welcome event and really still is. I cant see the good in life anymore never will I suppose. Sure I have some times of fun and laughter now i feel happy at times and all that but really there isnt that much good in the world. And if you really sit down and think about a purpose of life there really isnt one at all so why fear the end. I dont believe in heaven. But I do believe that death brings about a peace for those that get there. It means the struggle is over and All the pain, the hurt, everything just ends. So as I see it it is something to look forward to not fear. I cant wake up and think what a beautiful day I hope to get to see another one tomorrow. No I wake up and see alot of turmoil pain and hurt that continues and I think why why did I have to make it through another day again and when is it going to end. And I go through the day waiting and wondering when I will finally be laid to rest in peace. Well I have to get going and like I said I probably shouldn't have tried to write a blog today my mood isnt that stable at time I couldn't even drive to the pharmacy without breaking down in tears and that is pretty embarrassing to be standing there and start crying for no apparent reason. Even though I know why no one else does. I often look at others and wonder what pain they feel and what they have seen and gone through. I see more then i want to at times and I guess I just think more then I should about things at times.

sorry

Sorry that I havent written on my blog for about 10 days now. Last weekend a whole bunch of things happened in life that it made it difficult to get online much less have the want to write on a blog. My daughter is going through some things and it has become very hectic around here as of late. My blog isnt the only part that has seen side effects from the added stress though. I just dont feel much like doing things anymore. I havent stuck to the diet plan and exercise plan at all. I have drank soda and have eaten alot in this stressful time. playfulness with Thomas has gotten less and less as well. I just dont feel very playful either. And I don't think I can remember the last time we had any intimacy I know it was over a week ago. The lack of sex and the stress has me feeling really frustrated though. I sometimes wish that he would realize in these times that I need certain things more at times like this. Now really a spanking but more then that. The spankings have continued just not playful ones. I have recevied a few for my attitude towards him lately. Though those that really get me feeling any better the last few times. I guess what I really might need is a good fuck right about now. Not just a quickie at night or anything like that. But we havent even had those little quickies either. Today is the second anniversary of us meeting. Im surprised that he remembered since I had thought it was the 19Th and was surprised that he even said anything. So it was exactly two years ago that Thomas and I meet at a little pizza place. He suggested we have hawaiian pizza tonight but things are a little tight lately and we probably wont be able to. Anyway I have to get going I will definitely try to write more this week. And again I am so sorry about being lacking in my blog this past few days.

play, motivation and the spankings of the week

This past week I have gotten quite a few spankings. Most for play but there were a few that were motivational so to speak. I recently told Thomas that I wanted more help with a few areas in our life together and I wanted more of a tightened leash as far as a few things go. He actually came through coming home after reading my email and setting down some things. I recevied a spanking that night to get me going. The next day I also recevied a spanking recently that included Thomas's age times 8. Those were just hand spanks but the last eight to grow on were with the Lexan paddle. Thomas also had off on Friday so even though I was sore from the commitment paddle, the hand and the lexan I still wanted to play. We were going to do the cookie challenge but I was a little bruised and sore so we just had some private play. This included the hand the lexan and the cane. It was alot and we played for a little while. I wasn't feeling a whole lot of pain from our play session because our play was erotic and I was in a state of mind that made it hard to feel alot of pain. If you know what I mean. We ended up having a wonderful love making session as well. So I was a very happy camper all day on Thursday. One I got to spend the whole day with my man and two we reconnected in many ways as well that day. So tonight I am hoping to be able to sit down and work out a certain discipline regimen with him. I have alot I am doing today as we are getting ready for a yard sale tomorrow and Sunday and probably next weekend after that anything left is going to be donated or put in freecycle. I am still a little sore from this week but it was all worth it and I had fun for most of the spankings. At the time we were playing like I said I didnt feel much but now that it is over and done I am a wee bit sore lol. But its the good kind of sore. I'm off to do more yard sale stuff. Take care.

recipe of the month

I know I'm behind schedule on this post. Those that participate did it yesterday. I was a little to busy with things to get much time to do it. But today I would like to share a recipe that the kids and I love very much. It is called dirt cake. This is a fun recipe for little kids. Me and my children have been making it for years. When I took care of children in my home I made it with those kids as well. For that I bought little individual flower pots and let them take it home with them. But usually with the kids we just buy one and a small flower arrangement to put in it. Make sure you use a flower pot that has never been used for real flowers though. Alot of flower pots come with little holes on the bottom as well so you will need to saran wrap the pot first. I just made this with the kids but we didnt do the fancy flower pot thing. Just put it in a bowl. Thomas calls it filthy pie lol. He likes it though. But he is like me and doesn't like the gummy worms. they are easy enough though to pull out and discard. So here goes the recipe and I hope you all enjoy.



You will need:

flower pot or sand bucket which ever you prefer. (optional)
plastic kids sand shovel (optional)
gummy worms any flavor (also optional)
1/2 stick softened butter
8 oz. softened cream cheese
1 c. powdered sugar
2 (3 1/2 oz.) pkgs. instant French vanilla pudding
8 oz. whipped topping or Cool Whip
3 1/2 c. milk
1-2 (20 oz.) pkgs. Oreo cookies

prepare the flower pot with Saran wrap if needed.
Cream butter, cream cheese, and powdered sugar in large bowl. Combine milk, pudding mix, and Cool Whip with butter mixture. Crush Oreo cookies in food processor or blender.( I dont use a blender it is funnier for the kids to place the oreos in a bag and let them crush them) Spread crushed cookies in bottom of lower pot. Cover with pudding mixture; add more cookies and another layer of pudding. End with Oreo (dirt) on top. Top with flowers;And place the gummy worms on top layer of cake so it looks like they are crawling out. chill until ready to serve at least 4 hours. Serve with the plastic shovel and enjoy.

VARIATION: Use vanilla cream cookies (instead of Oreos)to resemble sand instead of dirt. serve in sand pail with shovel.

I also found a poem about it though it doesn't list an author.

POEM TO BE READ BEFORE SERVING:

I know I look strange - but dig right in.

The flowers are fake but the dirt is cake.

I don't need water or tender loving care.

Just eat my dirt 'til the pot is bare.

Randomness

Lately I have been contacted by a few people I knew before. Some of this is a good thing and some I can say I have mixed emotions about the intentions and the past that I had with the individuals. I have to wonder why after so many years of no contact they decide to be friendly now. One of these people actually was an abusive partner that I really want nothing to do with myself but I do have a child to so I can't deny the child the chance to know them if they want to. I keep the contact pretty simple only through emails on myspace so far. I am still leery as to the intentions but I am taking it one day at a time and checking with my child as to how this is effecting her. I see somewhat where it is okay but I still have some reservations. The other father that contacted me seems to have memory loss I suppose. Denys that he is the father despite having taken a blood test only 6 years ago. Another person that contacted me was a recent fling from here in Florida. I havent been with him since meeting Thomas but we did have a few years of good times together 8 years to be exact. Our relationship was casual sex as we didnt have much more then that. Although he did talk about wanting to marry me and things. It was kind of odd that as soon as I get back from becoming committed I get a phone call from him wanting us to get together. Of course as soon as i mentioned being tied to someone he didnt have much to talk to me about anymore and ended the conversation. Go figure. But one of the other past contacts was a good friend that I shared alot with. We lived together for awhile and were pretty close. She was with me in the hospital as I gave birth to my son that was premature and I remember a few things from that. I remember her not wanting to tell me that my son was pretty blue when he came out when I asked why he wasn't crying. At that time I gather she felt a sense of trouble just as I did. She told me afterwards what happened since I lost so much blood I pretty much dont remember alot of it. She told me about me hitting the doctor then passing out. lol. I guess I probably did it was a very intense birth and I was out of it for most of it. She was one of the people that took care of my other two children while I was in the hospital for a long time and they weren't to sure if either me or the baby were going to make it. I went to live with her after my hospitalization though for a little while and when I was learning to walk and things. She had a bathroom downstairs where as in my apartment I would have to walk upstairs which I wasn't yet strong enough to do. Lots of things we went through together but I remember her being there for me through alot of them. We were like sisters and even said we were sisters when people asked about our relationship and living arrangements. Just recently though I found out some interesting things that got me thinking and wondering what things would have been like if other things happened. It was a completely innocent relationship at the time. I am not really interested in girls much I like what men can provide way to much but I can say that I might be a little bi-curious. Some women appeal to me as pretty and things and I often wonder what it would be like to be with another women. But alot of things have been going through my little head lately with all the fresh past contacts and things. Some questions I have been asked and my own fantasies and thinking. I have to admit that I do have some never before explored fantasies though I am not so sure they would ever be explored. being with another women is one of them. I have played around and kissed another girl before usually in a drunken state and with a close friend that I don't recall her being bi that I know of. We used to pretend that we were to fend off assholes and such in my bar going days. I have lived with a few friends that I remain close to here in Florida. I have lost touch with some of them but remain friends with them and do get to speak to them now and then. But recently I have been thinking alot about casual sex versus being in a relationship. I have had a few flings that never became intimate partners as far as boyfriend girlfriend type things. We meet had sex and went on our merry ways contacting each other when the need arose. One of those partners is the father of my youngest and just recently contacted me again. And another one was one that is in Florida and I have been active with for 8 years prior to meeting Thomas and getting involved so to speak. Theres been a few others but I have to say that there is quite a difference between casual sex and sex with one you have feelings for. Some of the best sex i have had has been with those that I had flings with and not any other kind of relationship with. Its strange how that works. I just never was able to emotionally contact to someone that I had a booty call with. I guess that is what makes it better or at least more fun so to speak. Kind of like how I feel now with Thomas that we are committed to each other but the times we spent playing before that seemed to be more fun and we seemed to play more often and explore more as far as sexual things. Now it seems that we just have sex and we have spanking play now and then. Life's everyday things get in the way and since we see each other all the time there really isn't that desire there as in a casual partner. Don't get me wrong I love Thomas a whole lot and we do when we get the chance have great sex. And the type of play and things he and I have in other aspects of life aren't anything I would just do with a booty call. Theres certain things that I would like done that I would only trust Thomas to do. certain things like a rape fantasy there just isnt anyone else that I would put that kind of trust in to their hands besides him. Sometimes I wish he would be more forceful in bed. Don't get me wrong there he does have times when he takes what he wants even if I don't want it type thing. And there is an element as far as that goes. But there are times when I wish he would just grab me throw me down tie me up and play type things. Not just have sex and then we go to sleep. Or have some spanking play in the garage come in the room have sex and go to bed. That to me isn't really playing that is just having sex. And there are those times when the emotions involved are so intense that even the regular sex is a reconnection and very intense emotionally that can't happen with just a fling or a casual partner. Once in a great while Thomas will take full control of things like the other day when he made it clear that I was his and that whatever he wanted to do we would do that night. That is the night that I recevied a caning for play when caning really isn't and was never really a play thing for us. As much as I dislike the cane and things that night was a great night and oddly enough we didnt even have intercourse. yes he did things to me he knew I liked mixed in with the caning and other things I didnt like and he did get me off type thing I had a wonderful time and felt very connected to him. But those high emotions and feelings of being used for his pleasure and him taking full control bring me to a high type thing and for a little while like a day or two I feel really submissive but then things go stall again and its just like any other day and sometimes I am left feeling lonely even when he makes me cuddle it just doesn't quite connect with the whole feeling of being owned and things. It is so very hard to explain what I mean and I don't want to say I don't feel owned or anything like that I do very much feel connected to Thomas in an owned and loved way. There are just a few more things that I think I would like to that to make me feel more like I am more submissive. Like he has said I don't really have very many rules. Smoking and now my medicine are really the only rules I have besides of course normal respect and things. I think that I would like a little more structure to things in our life together. I am one that handles structure and control alot better then being left as I was most of my life to fend for myself and the kids. I dont mean things like everyday things as far as life is concerned I mean little things like maybe a schedule or something and certain days where i have to do certain things just for him and all that. I don't know if I am making any sense lol. I have way to many things running through my head as far as BDSM, my past, my obligations at home, the kids and all that jazz. I think I just need to really sit down and talk to Thomas about some things and see what he has to say about it. lol. Right now wouldn't be a good idea because I am confused myself as to what it is I really want and what is just there in my head and needs to remain there.

Losing control

Yesterday was a bit odd of a day. I think I went through many emotions all day just because of the day. It started out with me getting up and making breakfast. I very seldom make breakfast anymore so it was a nice change lol. The kids decided to go outside and swim in the pool right after breakfast. It was still pretty early in the morning but at 930 it was still a little hot here in Florida. So they swam. I cleaned up the kitchen and headed to lie down and watch some TV. Thomas was already on the computer doing whatever it is he does on that all day. And I was feeling a little bored and somewhat lonely at the time. I started to throw little pieces of paper at Thomas to get his attention. But it didn't really work once or twice he actually acknowledged what I was doing and throw them back. Then he just got mad so I stopped and finished watching my show. Thomas got ready for his amtgard and left for that. I went and played with the kids. When he got home we all got in the pool for a little bit until I had to go to the store. The kids and I decided to make dirt cake which we havent made in a long time. So we had to go and get the ingredients for that. I am going to share that recipe for Daisychains recipe share on the 7th. After we got back from the store I made dinner and after dinner the kids and I made the cake and Thomas headed over to take care of the dogs while Joyce is out of town. I put the kids to bed then got on the computer. I talked a little to Thomas since I had been trying to get his attention all day and he really just ignored any attempts so I wasn't really in any chatty mood at that time. So I just told him that I was going to lie down and rest. he had said at one time that he was going to spank me when he got home but I wasn't really in the mood so I let it go. I went and watched Tv. he came home shortly after that so I hadn't fallen asleep yet. I was still moody so when he got in bed and tried to cuddle I turned the other way trying to ignore him. But he grabbed my hair and wouldnt let me ignore him. He was saying a few things though I was still fighting it and trying to ignore him. I ended up across his knee getting spanked as I kind of still fought because I was mad and didnt want to play. he didnt take that in consideration though and continued until I finally laid with him and cuddled. After he spanked me with our commitment paddle and the lexan and then the cane. He then told me that we were going to go to the garage and play just like I had asked him to earlier. I wasn't in a playing mood though anymore but I did as he said sorta. I still tried to fight somewhat but not alot as that usually just gets me in trouble. In the garage he had brought the lexan and the cane with him. Knowing I dont like the cane but I didnt really have a say in it. Last night was all about control and I was not the one with it. He ended the session in the garage with 10 strokes of the cane. This was after he had already gotten me worked up and released by things I did like. So ending it with something I didn't like made sense but I really hate the cane. I was just glad I was still feeling the effects from being worked up like I was that the pain wasn't to bad. At least not until the last stroke which he made sure he made count. I am still feeling that one today. We went back to the room and we ended up going to sleep at least I did. I feel asleep in his arms and dont remember much about anything after that so I am sure I feel asleep pretty quick. But I slept very well.
I tend to have a love hate type thing with his taking control. I like it but I like to fight it as well. I dont know I do think though that he might start stepping up to more control in the near future. He actually took me by surprise a few times and last night was definitely one of those.

spanking pics

Things around the house lately have taken up most of my time. I havent had a whole lot of things to write about. There hasn't been really any spanking play a few spankings for attitude and misc things but nothing real big. So Id thought Id share a few of my favorite spanking pics. Some are just random pics and some our from a few memorable spankings I have received.



This photo is of the Cookie paddle that I recevied from Paddle Masters. Paddle Masters is up and running again so feel free to check out his great selection. My Cookie Paddle is one of my favorites.



Speaking of favorites the Lexan has been one of my favorites as well and will be the next implement for the Cookie challenge when ever we get to that again lol.



This picture is from way back when I first meet Thomas and started playing with him. I think it was like the second or third time we meet together I cant remember actually but it was from the first few meets I know that.



This picture is from a very memorable night at the hotel in Atlanta when we attended a party there. Thomas surprised me with a little bondage and spanking play after the party. I will always remember that night. We haven't had a chance to play like that in a long time I am hoping Ill get more of those little surprises soon lol.



I would really love to be this girl *giggles*



And we cant forget the memorable you may now spank the bride lol



Okay I am going to go and rest and watch some TV.