My greatest weakness

I do believe that I have at least one weakness LOL. Communication is really my greatest weakness as it just doesn't come easy for me to communicate how I feel. I tend to bottle things up and just assume that someone should know how I feel. Usually I can write how I feel but that also isn't always easy for me either. And sometimes I just don't even know how I feel so it is hard to express why I feel horrible when I just don't know myself.

This problem that I have does seem to cause me and those around me alot of unneeded hurt at times. I'm sure it is frustrating to others to know that I am hurt or upset but not know why or how to make me not hurt. I sometimes believe that I'm expressing myself though not in the normal way of just telling someone what is bothering me. Like with some recent events with Thomas and I. I have to admit fault as well as to not just expressing myself. I tend to think that Thomas should just be aware of certain things and act accordingly.

We were able to talk some last night. I was a bit shocked at thomas's reaction to the letter I gave him telling him I was done with our relationship. He of course was probably hurt as well and he deals with his hurt much like I deal with mine thinking that sometimes it is better to just get mad rather then try to sit down and actually deal with the problems that cause that hurt. Which does nothing to actually fix anything.

As all relationships have ups and downs since we are all human, I think that the one quote from yesterdays post kind of relates to this. Pain is inevitable but suffering is optional. For me I take that as yes we are going to feel pain we are going to hurt and sometimes that hurt is going to come from someone that we love. But we have the choice to let it cause us suffering or to fix it and not let it cause us suffering.

Leaving Thomas is not really what I had wanted at all and really not what he wanted either. When we had that commitment ceremony we were both dedicating ourselves to each other through thick and thin, through the good times and the bad. And we both meant it and it is in times like last night that we both know that we love each other. That we both know that there are times when the road will get rough. But it is our love and caring for each other that will guide us through those rough times.

Sometimes I forget that and I tend to want to run away from things I always have been like that. So when I was going through the rough times I felt alone and like he didn't want to be here like things weren't going to get better or that he didn't really want to commit to me and only did it for the sake of doing. I realize now that it was all just the hurt I was feeling and my own emotions and feelings were causing me suffering that I really don't have to go through. had I just opened my mouth and said a few more things then maybe he would have been able to realize my hurt and see how I was thinking without me having to blow up and write him a letter telling him i can't do this anymore.

We both have our differences and little annoying things that we do that the other doesn't like that's normal we are separate people and we feel and think different then each other. Usually though the good times and the good things about each other are enough that those little annoyances are not so big and do not really matter at all.

In the long run we both care deeply and love each other. Even though at times I may want to just strangle him or as I did the other day just walk away and forget we ever knew each other. Love is not really just an emotion that you can turn on and off. it isn't as easy as flipping a switch and turning it off. So even in the midst of hurting we are able to let our love conquer things. And really just communicating can save a whole lot of heartache and suffering.

I really do see and believe that communication is the key to a relationship. And I'm glad that Thomas is strong enough and cares and loves me enough to stick by me even when I am pushing him away. I'm a lucky girl for that but it would have been just as easy for him to take my letter and leave and never look back. Nope he stuck through he was mad though as was I but he love kept us from allowing that hurt to destroy us.

Have you guessed yet that Thomas and I are back together and I am once again wearing our ring. I guess you cant really say that we weren't together we were still in the same house just being mad at each other. I'm really glad though that we were able to talk it through. I'm also very glad that I have a person like Thomas to share my life with. Because even in the midst of us hurting and things never once did I fear that he was going to hurt me physically like I have been before in other relationships. I honestly didn't believe that we would talk it through though but that's because I just thought that he really didn't care and didn't want me that it would be easier on both of us if we just separated. But if that was the case then No amount of communication or anything would have helped. If love isn't there then yeah we wouldn't be together or able to even talk I don't believe.

LOL now I have to go and change all my profiles again......I really need to not act on my emotions as much.