learning and growing

So at 35 years of age one would think that I am grown. Well I agree that I am grown I also realize that all through out life there is alot more growing and learning to be had. It doesn't just stop because you are a grown up.

I have learned quite alot about myself and life and love in the last three years or so. Things that I never thought about or even knew about. I also learn alot about myself as well. And I believe that I will have many more lessons to learn throughout the rest of my life.

Many people can't understand the dynamics around domestic discipline or being a submissive and things like that. Honestly I don't even really always understand it myself but I have come to see that it is what works best for me and has opened my eyes and helped me in alot of areas. Ones that go beyond just the sexual aspect that many put on spanking and being a submissive and things.

My relationship with Thomas has given me a better understanding of what love can be and has also been a very wonderful thing for me. Even when I want to give up and think that things are not going well or the road is rocky one thing remains. LOVE. I used to think that word had no real meaning and that it was often used to loosely. Which it might still be in some areas but in our household that word has a whole lot of meaning.

The past few weeks maybe one could even say months I haven't been doing well emotionally I started to feel myself resorting back to old habits of closing myself off to the rest of the world and wanting to run anywhere but where I was. I could feel myself closing myself out from Thomas and being able to go to another place to avoid the bad things. Some may not be able to understand exactly what I am talking about and it is something that is really hard to explain. But I can try. I learned throughout most of my life to be able to become numb and to not have to feel. Being in abusive relationships and going through some things I went through in my life I had to learn to survive. And that survival skill was one that I learned to block out both the physical and emotional pain that I felt. It worked and was not easy to overcome especially when by the time I met Thomas I was so emotionally numb I am surprised that he was able to get through to me at all.

Becoming a spanko was at first very easy for me as I could withstand alot due to being able to block out pain really easy and natural. I really didn't feel pain much at all. As some might know I used to say how Thomas's hand didn't even phase me and before it didn't. Now though it is a different story. I can try to blame it on the medicine and all that but the past events have lead me to believe that it was just the survival skill I had that I didn't even realize I was doing until recently. I knew somewhat that I was but it became evident when I started to lose that skill. There were times when I would wish that I had that skill still and knew how to go back there but just couldn't. The mind works in very mysterious ways though. Try as I wanted to I just couldn't get there anymore. Or so I thought.....

Ever since I started to feel like Thomas and I were a lost cause and that I was alone and unhappy and things were not going well between us. He was pretty preoccupied lately and I just wasn't feeling real secure and started to feel like I just didn't care anymore about anything. It started about last month when I wrote him a letter and said that we were through. Of course we worked through that but he was still pretty preoccupied and hadn't realized what I was feeling. Of course that would be more because I still haven't completely conquered the communication thing yet and I am not good at saying my feelings and just assumed that he should know them. he knew something was wrong but I never directly told him what was bothering me though.

So instead I resorted to smoking again and hiding it from him. A habit I have had for quite some time but was able to combat for a little while. It was alot easier to do when we were happy and I was content and secure. And it was alot easier to not run to cigarettes when I felt that I had Thomas to turn to instead. Which lately I haven't felt like that and starting again is making quitting again difficult. It was also to the point where I didn't care if it was his rule or not or whether it would hurt me or not and all that jazz. My attitude lately was pretty much a fuck you attitude towards everything. So when he found out about it and had his discussion the first night with the paddle it really didnt phase me much. I really only got madder and pissed off from it so the next night was the same thing. He caned me for my attitude as well as the smoking but I fought him every step of the way and was getting more and more pissed and finding out that I still had that skill it only comes when I need it though.

I still can't understand the whole thing myself or how it works or how my mind decides when it needs that skill. It just does. And when I sit and think about things I can see some of the differences. One thing I can say is that in my relationship with Thomas I don't have the fear of him hurting me like I have in the past. Even when we are pissed at each other or things are not going well I don't live in fear of what he will do to me or my children. That is a big difference from any feeling I have had before. It feels good to not have to live in fear something I have done for many many years.

Last night though through my attitude I was able to find that little part of me that still loved Thomas and that knew that this was a relationship that needed to be worked through and that I was safe to say to him look this is wrong and this needs to change etc. etc. and we were able to talk though I still didn't talk as openly as I probably should have. That will probably take some more time. In the talk though Thomas had decided that he is going to make it a rule that we have a talk once a week so that I can learn to communicate and so that before things get to the point that I feel like I have been feeling maybe we can combat them before through communication.

Just that simple act of talking even though it wasn't the easiest or funniest thing to do, a Hugh weight was lifted off my back and I felt a little more secure and happy. It was then that I started to feel guilty and realized that I was really being a bitch and hurting myself and my family because it. I know that is one of my biggest faults and lucky for me that Thomas is able to see it for what it is and get me through it when most would pack up and leave or give up.

I wish I could say that talking got me out of my punishment that he was planning but it didn't. It probably made the whole process alot easier and saved alot of fighting and unnecessary pain for both of us. But the fact still remained that I had an attitude and I had smoked and lied about it and I also revealed that the past two nights of spanking were pretty much useless and did nothing except add to my attitude and being in a mood.

I have come to find that discipline or punishment really isn't at all about the spanking side of it. Something I really knew anyway. It is much more about the mindset of the spankee. A spanker can spank someone all they want but until the spankee accepts it and feels something besides just the spanking it is not going to do anything at least not for me. And I am sure as I have seen elsewhere it is like that for many spankos that practice both discipline spankings and fun and erotic spankings.

So last night after we had gotten the kids in bed and Thomas returned from Joyce's since our computer wasn't working and he needed to do some things online. I had gone to bed I had a headache and was tired from being so emotional and all that and having it all lifted. He woke me up and instructed me to strip. He then had me bend over the bed and he got the nylon cane. I knew what was coming as he told me before. But I didn't fight him or get mad this time. I knew that I had deserved it and that it was something I actually needed. I don't know why I do but I do and know that I do. So I bent over the bed and he gave me a dose of the nylon cane. It was painful but my mind was not in a state that it would resort to my survival skill so I had to feel it all. Afterwards though Thomas and I got into bed and cuddled a little before I feel asleep. It was a much needed and peaceful sleep as well even if my backside was hurting.

Hopefully I can avoid any more of the nylon caning for awhile. I know that I probably will have some spankings as it is wired in me that I need those every now and then and hopefully Thomas and i can find a way to get some more spanking time in so that I can get release I need from them without having to resort to having an attitude or anything like that which makes everything alot more harder then they need to be.

I have alot more I could write about as far as submissiveness goes but I will save that for another post. Right now I still have my headache and I have some things I need to do in the house plus my son just came home from school. So hopefully I can get all my thoughts together for a post tomorrow. Right now I am sitting sore but happy and content and feeling alot more secure with things.