My baby is back

So just a short little post to let you know that panther was found and back home and safe. I was really upset that she was gone and missing. I had been looking for her many times outside and asked all the neighbors if they saw a black kitten with a purple collar on. No one had seen her and I was thinking the worst of course. She isn't like Chloe and runs out and comes back in a few hours. Panther really didnt even like the outdoors and the few times she got out she ran right back in the door. So when she disappeared for a whole day I was a little concerned. But while I was making dinner tonight our neighbors daughter knocked on the door and asked if our kittens collar had diamonds on it we said yes and she said she just saw her on our back steps but she ran when she closed her door. So we all went looking for again knowing she was right there and probably wanting to come in. She doesn't like alot of commotion so everyone running out to see her scared her and she ran again. We got the cat treats and some food and set them outside on our porch hoping she would come and get them. She did and my youngest saw her and ran out to get but scared her again and she ran under our trailer. I told him to stay in the house and for everyone to leave because she wont come if all these people are around and I sat there talking to her. She was looking at me but wouldnt come out. She finally decided to come to me and wanted held so it was easy to get her then and I brought her in and we fed her and gave her a bath. Being outdoors here she really needed one since we weren't sure where she had been.

I dont know why but our other cat Tiger seems to have forgotten her or Panther smells like another cat or something because she started hissing at her and trying to bat at her. And those two were inseparable before panther got out. Even all day yesterday while Panther was gone Tiger didnt seem to know what to do with her self and it seemed like she was looking for her. Hopefully they will soon get back to the way they were before and will realize that they are the same cats before Panther got lost and I didnt just bring home another cat which Tiger never likes as I sometimes do let the strays in to come and eat then put them back out. Tiger is always the one that hisses and doesn't like the stray cats. So hopefully she won't hurt Panther or anything. I'm just happy she is back I was heartbroken that she was missing. I like all the cats but Panther is my baby and my favorite. Just cant help it she is so sweet and was always so cuddly and cute as a button. The others aren't as affectionate or wanting to be held and things. Tiger started to get to be a attention whore though and likes to be petted just not held as much. Panther likes to be held. But we had Panther since she was only like one or two months old. Shes only 5 months now or at least that is what the vet guessed after her trip to her last month.

Who would have ever thought !!!

Okay I am just a little bit happy to say this and shocked and surprised myself. But you would never guess who has volunteered for the spanking booth at Texas Allstate this year.

First of course I did and a few other spankees and switches. But then surprise surprise so did two Tops. Yes I mean all the way Tops as well. These are both guys that from what I know of them both they never ever take the spankings themselves. But since it is for charity and it is going for a good cause in memory of Lyn Tubaman's wife who was a very special person to many. So another strictly Top (I'm not naming the person here because I havent asked permission) has agreed to volunteer as well as my very own Top Thomas. So for a half hour each they will offer to take spankings from anyone that donates to the cause. I am so saving up money to try to convince a very well known and good female Top to give my Thomas a few swats for me since I will be covering our table while he is at the booth as he will be when I am serving my half hour. I'm hoping to get Miss Chris to give him my swats for me. *giggles* I really can't wait now to see this. I never thought that I would ever be a witness to that LOL. I'm hoping someone will get a picture or two for me as well. This has got to be good LOL.

I'm getting really excited about going to Texas this year as we get closer and closer. Just two weeks away now!!! Alot will be happening this year. Thomas and I are hoping to get some filming in for our store, I will be vending for Paddle Masters products for the first time I have ever done anything like that. Thomas is looking to make a special video DVD from videos from our store to make available for Allstate as well. There is going to be a models greet and meet breakfast I believe. The theme this year is spankstock. I found a really cute outfit online that I ordered so I'm hoping it reaches me in time. I had to search a few different places to get my size but I finally found it in my size. It is purple so you know I would love it. I ordered some peace sign earrings to match it and since I have very long hair I'm working at trying to braid it hippie style. So lots of fun there. Of course there is the spanking booth that both of us volunteered for so that will be interesting and fun. Plus we got a great deal on our room since we will be staying this year to get some filming done. So lots and lots to look forward to and probably lots to write about upon returning.

I was at wal-mart the other day getting a prescription filled and I was looking around the clothes killing time since I only had about 20 minutes before I had to pick up Thomas from work. I saw the cutest pants that I wanted to get. They had Eeyore on them and they were tied dyed on the tops and bottom. and they said peace down the side. They would be wonderful for the party. I might still get it if we have enough money. I did find a pair of cute panties as well that I did get. They will match my outfit and they Peace signs on the front. I wish that they had the peace signs all the way around but it is a solid color on the backs. So not many people will get to see the peace signs. But for 2 dollars that was a great deal and I will know that they match the theme LOL.

In other news I have been doing well lately. For the last few days I have been feeling alot better. Not nearly in as much pain and I have been able to do normal everyday stuff. Now my back is brothering me still as usual but the pain in my ankles and knees and hips is alot better and more manageable. So I am really hopeful now that it was probably just due to the steroids. I wont know about the Lupus to probably after we get back from Texas. But I have a feeling that I will be so much better and able to play and have a good time at the Texas party.

My baby panther has been missing all day. I think she got out and we havent been able to find her. Which is really heartbreaking to me because she was my favorite kitten and my baby. I hope that she finds her way home and hasn't been harmed. She has gotten out before but usually doesn't like to be out and doesn't go anywhere so its easy to grab her and bring her back in. But no one saw her go out so I'm not sure what happened to her or where she is. We searched the house and she has been missing all day long so I doubt she was just hiding somewhere. Usually they hear when we get in the food bag to feed them and they all come running from where ever they are. Also I have cat treats that I shake and they come running for those but all day today it has only been Chloe and tiger coming for them. Chloe goes in and out all the time. So hopefully if Panther is around she will follow Chloe home one day. The only other thing I can think of would be that she got out and someone snatched her. She is a very pretty kitten but she did have a purple collar that I got her so I hope that no one would take her.

Also I have gotten tired of complaining to the landlord about the ways things are around here and they drew the last straw the other day when it rained and they worked on this sewage problem we have here or at least made it look like they were working on it. LOL. Anyway after we got home my son had to use the bathroom so he did and flushed it next thing I know we had sewage coming in the tub the kitchen sink and the toilet was overflowing alot it was gushing everywhere. I called the office since it was still open because it wasn't that late and she told me that there was nothing she could do that night and that we had to just deal with it till she could get a work order put in tomorrow. I was a bit upset to say the least. I had sent my son to the neighbors later that night as he had to go to the restroom. Well they had the exact same problem as did another house. SO the next day I called code enforcement. I have been asking for heat as well since there should be heating in here but there isnt we use space heaters for now. but only have the one that works as the other broke two weeks ago when I asked them for heat their response is they are on order I called the next week to see if they came in but they just said not yet and that it is fixing to get warm soon anyway. The code enforcement guy was already coming as he said he had many complaints from this place as well as the other parks the landlord owns. When he inspected the house he was not happy. He had a list of things that were in violation and he said that he had seen mold around an area outside near our windows. But the list was long and he is fed up with the crap. He said that the company that owns these places or the guy that owns all these places is a million dollar company so there is no reason that he cant fix these places up and have them livable at least. Not sure what happens next but he gave me a paper with a workshop to go to tomorrow that has health and housing issues and how to go about getting relocated and things in this situation so I know what I am doing in the morning tomorrow. Hopefully they can tell us our legal rights as far as breaking our lease because of the conditions here and what not.

So there is alot of things happening and I will be busy busy busy!!!!

When living hurts

I'm not talking about the emotional kind of hurt either. I mean when it is literally painful to raise your head in the morning and go about doing anything. When just walking to the bathroom has you physically exhausted and in considerable pain. That's the way most of my days have been lately since returning from the hospital last week. That first time that I woke up at 4 in the morning feeling like someone was taking a hammer to all the joints in both my legs was just the beginning apparently. I started to feel a little better for one or 2 days I was able to get up and about at least but was still sore, but that didnt last long. I was down and out again the next day and still feeling crushing and intense pain everywhere again to the point that I couldn't move at all. I stayed in bed with pain medicine that really just helped me sleep through most of it. I still felt a whole lot of pain but the medicine kept it to were I could doze off and sleep. This is not how I want my life to be now.

As far as where things are going we are still taking everything one day at a time. I am still planning on going to Texas provided I can actually walk by then. But I doubt that I will be doing much once we get there besides socializing some and resting in the room. Even to sit and type is painful as I cant sit in one spot for long and it tires me out as well. Today I managed to fold some laundry but quickly got worn out from it and had to take a break. I can tell you that I HATE this. It is the worse thing to feel so helpless and pained for something so minimal as doing laundry and all I was doing was folding it. When all I really want to do is be like I was a few weeks ago. I want to be able to cuddle with the kids and laugh and play with them and Thomas. I want to make them dinner each night and watch a movie with them. But I cant not right now and I'm wondering when I will be able to if Ill be able to. I want to sit outside with them and watch them skateboard and things like that. Those are all things I guess you take for granted until you cant do them.

We aren't even sure what is causing this and yesterday I started getting dizzy feeling and having headaches. I'm hoping that might just be from being in bed for so many days on pain medicine. Yesterday I didnt take any pain medicines I really just laid in bed all day and took it easy. I was hurting but I am starting to think that maybe the headaches and the dizziness are from the pain medicine. There are a few things that this can all be from so not sure which is causing it or what is going to be done about it. I'm still waiting on the results from the blood test and whether or not I have Lupus. At least with the Lupus there are ways to keep it at bay and its more good days then bad from what I read and have heard of it.  And I never thought that I would say this but at the moment I am hoping that is what it is. Because the other option is an adverse reaction to the Levaquin I was given in the hospital. I looked up reasons that both sides of your legs and things would start hurting like mine have and came across a very disturbing thing about That medicine and things that have happened to people after they took it. It was of course the same symptoms I have had but some are going on years of having problems so it isnt like once the medicine is done the symptoms go away. It has caused permanent and severe damage to many people. So I am hoping that isnt the case here. Another thing it could be would be that the years of taking prednisone and steroids for my asthma have finally taken a toll on my bones and they are just giving out. Again that can probably be more controlled then the other so that is still an option. I probably wont know for sure until my appointment with the rheumatologist though which isnt until March 25th.

Now with only 3 weeks till the Texas party I am not sure how much Ill be up and about during it. My hope is that it will subside by then and I'm hopeful to get some play and filming in. I'm vending for Paddle Masters Products and also agreed to take part in the spanking booth to help raise money for cancer in Lyn's memory. If thats the only play I do it will be worth it even if it is painful to do. I'm determined like that. LOL.I have gained like 50 pounds and I'm puffy and swollen and feel and look like total shit. But hey I'm alive and thats a good thing. Any time I can get with the ones I love I will gladly take. And I am hopeful that we will have many more years together even if those years are spent in pain or what not. Today I hurt but I was able to walk the dog and I really want to go to the banquet tonight with my son. I wont be taking any pain medicine again today to see how I do. I never liked pain medicine to begin with though. Last time I started to feel better and walk around though the pain increased immensely the next day and I was down and out again. So I'm really just trying to take it slow and things. I wont be walking around to much until the banquet tonight because I am going regardless of how I feel. I have already told his group that I am not sure I can help like I have as far as being a den leader though. But I will seriously try and help when I can. My son loves cubscouts and it has been a good thing for him.

I'm also not sure how this all will affect my blog and my spanko life at all yet. Right now it really has put the chances for any play on hold. I couldn't even go across a lap at this point and my appearance isnt what it used to be so I'm not sure about modeling anymore like I was trying to get into. I havent given up hope though but know that right now it isnt an option as I just cant do it. We will see how it goes and I am sure that as soon as I am able to I will. Not having spanking play is hard when you are wired like that. And I really want to keep this a spanking blog but right now I have nothing spanking related to even mention. The blog is a reflection of me and my life. And well my life isnt really all roses at the moment so of course my blog will reflect that. I do have wonderful friends both in the scene and out of the scene and I have a wonderful support system with Thomas and my children and those friends. So even though it is scary and things I'm doing well and holding on. We will get through this and hopefully Ill be back to sharing fun stories and things real soon. Thanks again to all my readers and friends for the understanding and support you guys are great!!!

Some thoughts on spanking parties

On Fetlife last night I saw a discussion in one of my groups about spanking parties and things that go on at them and what is considered consent and protocol and all that. So I thought with the upcoming Texas Allstate party I would give my own 2 cents here on my blog. Plus I'm sure you all would like some spanking talk at least on a spanking blog LOL.

One of the questions raised was who ask who's. It was asked whether it was okay for the bottom to ask a Top to play or should only the Tops be allowed to initiate play. Which to me that just seems a little odd. That is only my personal opinion though as I dont think that There really is one set way that it has to be done. I don't consider going to a spanking party and asking a Top if he would like to play being "Topping from the bottom" as some seem to think. For me it isn't really as easy as that though as I am and have been a really shy person so even just walking up to someone and asking to "Play" or be spanked by them is a difficult feat in itself. It has gotten easier for me from the parties I have attended because now I know more people and I know which ones I am comfortable with playing with so asking if they want to at the time isnt as hard for me as it once was as long as I know them or have played with them before.

From my very first party till now those that knew me from the first party and have seen me recently at the Texas party and things can really see the difference I am sure. So I believe that asking to play is more a diverse thing and really depends on a persons comfort level with the person they may want to ask or are being asked by. I know it sure is for me. And for me I'm more approachable then I appear at times and it is easier or me to be approached then to approach. I know at my first party I didnt even talk let alone approach anyone. I barely even nodded when approached so I know I probably appeared to many as standoffish and weird. I was just very nervous, very scared, very shy even with Thomas still,  and had no clue what then hell I just agreed to in going to the party in the first place. It was a very different feeling at that party then I have at any party after that. And my first party was a small group at a house with people that Thomas knew very well. They also were very very nice and welcoming even though I wasn't exactly party material that time. LOL. It was a good learning experience and I think had alot to do with me being more comfortable with this thing we do.

So I am not a "newbie" anymore but I can tell you that I still remember my very first party and the feelings and things from it. I know how it can feel and depending on how people are with you at your first party can really make a difference as to how comfortable or how every party after that might go. Had anyone been rude pushy or scary then things could have very well turned out different for me. So when you go to a party and you see the shy one in the corner just watching and taking it all in. You cant automatically assume that they are creepy or weird or anything like that. They might just be coming out and waiting for someone like you to welcome them and make them feel comfortable and they will probably open up and be wonderful spankos. You just never know it still could be they are weird or creepy but for the most part if you can bring yourself to approach them and talk at least then you can usually get an idea within the first few minutes where they are as far as comfort or weirdness. LOL

Another thing that was brought up and had many diverse opinions was the subject of bratting equals consent.
For most of the parties that I have attended it is stated at the beginning and everyone that attends understands that bratting equals consent. If you dont want to be turned over a knee then dont shoot the Top head with silly string because that is a way of asking to play without having to "Ask" Now for ple like me that have a hard time coming right out and saying do you want to have spanking play bratting can be a fun and more comfortable way to get them to spank me. I'm still not a brat but I have been learning ways to get Tops attentions. LOL. Last year I was able to throw some small paper balls at a few tops that I thought might be all for it. I did get spanked by a few and things so it wasn't all that bad. And it was so much easier to throw paper balls at them and run away then to walk up to them and say lets play.

Now some people on the group that saying bratting is consent is wrong. And for some it might be. But in general I believe that the whole bratting is consent is a universal easy to understand concept. If you dont want spanked by that person then why tease them and brat them. That isnt very nice either and doesn't sound like fun for anyone. Unless you are just cruel and want to flaunt it around that your a brat but wont get spanked because you dont want to. I just dont get why someone would want to act like that. granted there may be a fine line as to what one considers bratting and what one doesn't so the Tops have a hard judgement call. But also it is quite obvious that if someone really brats you and doesn't want spanked they would fight to be put over your knee and be in some sort of distress that I am sure most experienced and conscious Tops would see as well as those around them. But it just seems really simple to me. I wont throw paper balls at someone that i wouldnt be comfortable with them grabbing me and spanking me because of it. Why would I? I just dont get why some would be upset that some parties have that rule. But I also still see that it can be a sticky subject and a very difficult one to distinguish at times. For newbies that concept might be hard to understand though considering we are all adults I think even someone new to the scene can understand that it isnt right to tease someone like that and if you are at a spanking party and it is part of the rules and things that you sign to attend the party then dont do it if you dont want spanked. Plain and simple.

Alot of the bigger parties and even the smaller ones have "ice breaker" games. These are games that get people to mingle and try out spanking play with different people. Last year at Allstate they passed out Paint sticks. Which since our theme was pirates they were our "Planks" The idea was to walk around get to know some people and for each swat that was given a signature was put on the stick. You didnt have to participate and you can ask whoever if they would sign your stick and things. You really didnt even have to give a swat either but it got people walking around and getting to know others and was alot of fun. Most of SOS parties are themed parties. So alot of the games or things done are themed like, the back to school party where we have a mock school room and things. They spank the heart contest and all that jazz. So there really are alot of activities and things that help make easing into spanking play alot easier for those involved.

Another subject that was brought up was in regards to couples at spanking parties. Some were confusing the spanking party for more BDSM parties and saying that it was rude to ask a bottom to play that you would need to ask permission from her Top. And things like that. Now yes at some parties there are those that are in BDSM relationships and some people know them already or know the collar signs and things like that. But not alot of Spanko's that would be at a spanking party follow the same BDSM guidelines or that kind of lifestyle so they wouldnt know that a bottom was a submissive and needed permission to play. So I wouldnt think that asking a bottom would or should be considered rude. How is that person supposed to know. Its as simple as the bottom asking for the permission herself or telling the other Top to ask her Master and what not. But I dont think that there is any protocol or anything as far as a spanking party that should involve getting someone else's permission to play with a bottom you'd like to play with. If its all that complicated and defensive to someone then I dont understand why they would come to a spanking party in itself then. Go to a party where people know the protocol and follow that lifestyle. Spankos aren't BDSMers and shouldn't be held to there rules or guidelines unless they attend a BDSM event.

Another topic about couples was whether it was okay to spank and ask another mans wife to Play. Well I say the same thing there. Why should you have to go looking for someone else to get permission to play with their SO. Wouldnt just asking them and having them tell you I only play with my SO be enough. Why would you think it rude that they assumed at a spanking party that you were there to play. Most people go to the parties to play with who is also there to play because thats what a spanking party is. Like minded individuals getting together for some fun and spanking plays with others. If spanking play was an issues for couples then I wouldnt think that they would attend the parties or they would not play and it would be as simple as saying no I'm sorry I only play with my husband and they go on. No need for harsh feelings or trying to say that it was rude because the bottom was approached. Of course they also said that it might be rude though not as much if some bottom asked a married Top to play without asking his bottom.
I for one dont want to be bothered with someone I dont know coming up to me whenever they want to play with Thomas. And I am sure Thomas wouldnt want to be bothered by being asked by every single person i play with either. Its just not really that big a deal to us. I mean it is quite obvious that we play with others. And just the fact that we attend parties means that we already know the other is going to be playing. I'm not dishing out hundreds of dollars to attend a party just to be spanked by Thomas. Not going to happen. I could get a good babysitter at that price and have more fun with just him and I alone. LOL.

Now I can understand that some people do come to parties that are couples and only play with each other. That's just as well. To each there own. But I of those I have never seen any get upset if someone asks them to play that doesn't know. That's where my issue is. Not in that they dont play but that they get mad and defensive that someone would think that they would play with others. Come on now I dont know any real mind readers around these parts yet. So is it really odd that at a spanking party even if you are a couple that another person might ask your partner to play.

Thomas and I have our limits as to what we allow as a couple for play with others. Of course at a party none of those limits are really at risk of being violated except maybe during private play. But even then I have to trust him that he wont because he knows i wont and that is what we agreed on. I can have private play and so can he. But we both know and understand that we wont violate or cross any lines in our own relationship. Out of courtesy for the other we might mention to the other where we will be and with whom and what not. but it really isnt a requirement and I for one am not going to go searching for him every time I am asked to play. And if he is busy playing I am not going to interrupt his play to say I'm playing etc etc.

Well I probably could go on and on and write a lot more but just wanted to write a little about my thoughts on parties and things. I'm not saying anything I say is right or wrong as far as anything just stating how it works for me and mine and what i feel and what a party means to me. I have oodles and oodles of fun at these parties and i am very glad that they are around. It is wonderful and I have meet some really great people and will continue as I go along. Every year I meet some new people and i have a blast. The Texas party is the biggest party I have attended but it probably wont be the only biggest party ill attend. I'm still hoping to make it to Atlantic City for Boardwalk badness. That might be the first "Big" party I attend that I wont know very many people although I already do know quite a few that are attending I they are people that I respect and know are great people as well.

feels like the first time

This morning I woke up feeling way better then I have for a long time. I wasn't in so much pain that I needed any pills to get through it so I didnt take any pain medicine today and I actually got up and about for most of the day. It felt wonderful and since I left the hospital with my asthma I havent even needed to use my inhaler for the past week which feels really good to be able to breathe on my own and not labored even walking. Though ill admit today was the first day I did any sort of walking more then to the kitchen and bathroom much at all. I actually got up and cleaned most of the day with my son who helped me alot. The boys did a good job while I was at the hospital so it wasn't a whole lot to have to do today and I had my son home to help. He hasn't been feeling good and was sent home from school for other reasons as well yesterday. So really even if I wasn't feeling good today the plan was that he was cleaning the house regardless I was just well enough to help him. He and I actually had alot of fun today and he said he wished he could stay home with me everyday. I said fat chance buster school is important so that wont be happening. LOL But for a 13 year old boy that I know hated every minute of having to wash dishes mop floors and scrub walls he did very well and didnt complain he even took the broom and mop from me and not letting me do much of anything. I have wonderful kids even though they work my nerves sometimes LOL.

Everything was fine and since I wasn't on pain medicine and could drive today I took the car and the boys to the store for a few things when Thomas got home. I might have pushed myself a little to far by then because thats when my ankles and knees starting hurting again. They are still hurting now but not enough for medicine and I'm hoping it doesn't get to that point because really I cant take any at this point. I have to drive tomorrow to go to the doctors. I'm just hoping that they make it that long. I'm getting ready to go rest now though and I think I should be alright. Thomas is under the weather and Id like to be able to take care of him till he gets better. He was and is wonderful with taking care of me. The boys are feeling a bit under the weather as well so our house at the moment is full of sickies LOL. We all just have to work at taking care of each other LOL.

I have been staying in close contact with my baby up North. I promised her id call her everyday and really trying to stick with that. We talked for a long time tonight and it was very nice to hear her giggling and laughing and recalling old memories together. We talked about when we first moved to Florida when she was six years old. I still remember that trip. She was about 5 or 6 and we pulled in the South of the Border to spend the night. She had been sleeping and her head poked up when we pulled in and her eyes got wide and she looked around with the cutest funniest face there was and blurted out "What world are we in" It was so funny. She actually remembered it I believe because she said wasn't there a blow up Mexican thing with a hat there. Which if anyone knows South of the Border there probably was though I cant remember. LOL She told be not to tell anyone that story though. I laughed and she said when I bring my husband home to meet you are you going to tell him that story. I said what else are parents for. Glad she doesnt read my blog LOL think she might be a little embrassassed though probably not from me telling that story. We had some good laughs tonight and it makes missing her more bearable now. The other night really tugged on my heart strings so I love being able to talk to her when it isnt stress filled or when she isnt upset. I'm just to far away to be able to handle hearing her cry and be upset thats a real killer there. But she seems to be doing well and making the most of things. I still miss her and want her home though.

I'm working on getting things together for Allstate it felt good to feel good for one day and I'm hoping that it lasts at least for a little while. I hate feeling helpless and useless and pain. Not sure anyone does really. Thomas and I would like to get a video together here any day now before the trip as well. Not sure when we can work in the time but hopefully soon. So I'm hoping that ill have some spanking related posts to share any day now. I'm going to try to come up with something spanking related tomorrow at least. I know it wont be personal since I know we wont be playing tonight or tomorrow before the doctors. Don't think I could explain that to a doctor. Probably could but really dont want to have to. LOL.

taking it one day at a time

Not a whole lot to write about spanking wise. We were not able to have that night out on Valentines due to numerous things happening but the babysitter cancelling was the major. I was still going to give it a whirl and play even though I wasn't feeling well. But I think once I get my health back in check we will still try to make a heart LOL. I could really use a good session now anyway just because of the mounting things happening but with doctors appointments and things coming up and being on medicine I dont want the doctors to notice anything LOL.

If the health scare wasn't enough on Valentines I also recevied a phone call from my daughter that night. She was in tears and upset and wants to come home. Ill admit that after thinking about things with my health and all and what might be going on I was wanting her here as well and missing her greatly. So I was already in a state of missing her so to get that call and be so far away and not able to hold her or comfort her as I have done so many times in my life was even harder then letting her go at the airport. It was extremely difficult to maintain composure since I was upset myself plus I was drugged with morphine at the time and it was unexpected. Granted I figured the day would eventually come. But I was not prepared for it at all. It was hard to hear my baby crying and having to tell her that I cant bring her home and things. I could only listen and have my heart break with every sniffle she had and all. I so wanted to hold her and love her. I love her regardless but not being able to stroke her forehead and hold her through her emotions was difficult as it was the first time I ever had to do that.

Now I'm not sure of the situation that is happening where she is. From the sounds of it it is more her being homesick and not realizing how hard it would be to go and live with total strangers. She had to learn to blend in with her real father whom she didnt know well and his family. She had to adjust to a step mother and 4 other children. So as even in traditional family settings there are issues you can imagine that it is harder as well when it is a blended family and situations are going to arise. Plus she is a teenager so her emotions are crazy to begin with. So feelings of jealousy and things will come up and it appears that she is butting heads with her step mother. But the situation was the same when she was here. I think she is realizing that the grass is not greener on the other side and anywhere she goes there are going to be some problems and issues. I know her step mother personally from before so I dont think that my daughter is in any danger as what I know of her has never been anything bad. Not sure I agree with some of her personal choices as far as her own life but that has nothing to do with what kind of person she is or how she would be with my daughter.I will admit that I have a prejudice against her real dad from our past but I really really try to not let that get in my rational thinking as far as things sometimes. Although it is hard at times and I worry as well.  I think she cares just as much about my daughter as Thomas does as well. But for step parents it is ten times more difficult.

But still being her mother my heart feels for her and I really really want her home myself. But my daughter made this choice it was something that she really really wanted and at the time wouldnt have listened to anything else. So I gave her the chance. If knowing her other side of her family was what she really wanted we agreed to let her go. Plus some of the things she was putting us through at the time were adding up and she was heading down a very wrong path. The hope was that she would get back on track and get things straightened in her life as well. She was told that this is a choice that wont be reversed. Once she gets up there and realizes that it isnt all peaches and cream there either she was told that she couldn't call and ask to come home and Thomas and I both agreed that we wouldnt let her unless the situation was regarding her safety or something. And at this point it doesn't appear that she is in any danger from what she tells me. Maybe regretting her choice a little and missing the ones she has known all her life.

But as I have been telling Thomas I do want to bring her home now myself. I miss my baby!! He helped me through that night as well. He talked to her a little bit and I could see in his face that her being upset was upsetting to him as well. He does care for her greatly and while he doesn't miss the drama and problems that arose I can tell he does miss her as well and wants the best for her. If her coming home is an option on her fathers side and she talks to both Thomas and I and things change then we might just go ahead and let her come home. Depending on my health issues as well I might actually need her to help me at some point. What is happening with that is in the air. Until she talks to Thomas herself and agrees to some changes then coming home would not be an option anyway unless she was in danger. I would personally walk to PA and bring her home if I ever found out she was being hurt in any way. But just changing her mind and not wanting to deal with things there isnt really an issue that puts her in any danger or warrants us uprooting her even if that is what she is saying she wants.

But it does make missing her alot harder now. I was content missing her thinking she was happy and doing well. So to hear that isnt the case makes it harder on me and there isnt a day that goes by now that I am not thinking about her or how she is and wanting her here to hold and comfort. Hopefully we can figure out something and I have told her that I will call her as much as I can and things to check up on her.

The health issues are also on my mind. As we think about things and add things up alot more things are starting to make sense. I'm scared and emotional right now and trying to not think the worst though it is hard. I do have a great support system though and Thomas is wonderful in taking care of me and helping me through it all. I also have a friend that will be coming with me to the doctors on Thursday. Normally I have gone into depression stages with events in my life and things got overwhelming real quick. That hasn't happened in a long time though stress and life is alot easier to handle when you have caring people in your life to help you through. Even my PTSD has been in check for a good while now and I dont have the same feelings I once had before. Its odd to say that even facing this health issue I am alot happier and healthier then I ever have been in my life at least emotionally and stress wise.

Im hoping to bounce back quickly and be back to spanking fun and all. I am really looking forward to Texas this year. Though my health might prevent me playing Ill be thankful just for the vacation with wonderful people. Thomas and I do need a break though. We have a gift card for dinner but havent been able to find anyone to watch the kids so we can. Hopefully we will get that night real soon.

Valentines Day scare and things

So sorry for the bad news this time around. I got out of the hospital Friday and as far as my asthma and breathing and things I was doing really well. But on Valentines Day morning I got up around 4 AM to go to the bathroom. I quickly felt a very intense pain in my ankle that spread to my knees and hips on both legs. The pain was intense but I chalked it up to the medicine I was taking for asthma as I tend to have joint and muscle pain and weakness after such strong doses of it anyway. However it usually is temporary and only in one or two spots and will go away after a little while. Plus I can tolerate alot of pain usually so I can usually just grin and bear it till it goes away. But this time it never went away and in fact it got really really bad and I ended up waking up Thomas in the progress of bracing from the pain and being very very uncomfortable and crying.

He helped me by letting me squeeze his hand and brace him as he hold me through the pain and quickly said that he was taking me back to the hospital. I was emotional and in pain so I wasn't really wanting to go to the hospital again after just getting out but I have never in my life experienced what I have now experienced with that pain and things so I knew I needed to be checked at least to make sure it wasn't something else. SO we woke the boys up and headed back to the hospital.

They quickly got me back to the ER room and started an IV and took blood and x rays and all that jazz. They also gave me a dose of morphine for the pain and an anti inflammatory. That helped the pain alot but I could still feel it. I was hoping that they would come and tell me that it was just from the medicine and i would be fine and we could home. However after the blood test came back the ER doctor came back and said that they were admitting me again to preform more test because of a highly elevated blood count of some sort. I forget the words he used exactly as I was emotional over the thought of being put back in the hospital again and on Valentines day when I had plans with the kids and Thomas.

The doctor explained that it was three times what it should be and that it could be an indicator of things such as cancer and Lupus and other things I am not so sure what they all said. I was upset and crying and begging not to be put in the hospital though but agreed that I would stay if I needed to. Thomas held me and I cried a little more so because my emotions are high when I take prednisone and I get really moody over little things. Being hospitalized again and in the pain I was in I was just to emotional to not cry. I just wanted to be anywhere but there and be fine.

Since really there isnt much that could be done as far as emergency medicine I was relived when the doctor came back and said that they would let me go home but that I had to contact my primary doctor first thing to get started on the testing and all that. Since they really dont know what is causing the pain besides rheumatic or what not that is something that has to be tested by a specialist as well. And the other test will be done through normal doctor appoints and all that. So while we really aren't sure at this point what exactly is going on with me and things I was relived to be able to go home even though I could barely stand or walk and I am in considerate pain still. But I managed to make the boys and Thomas their special Valentines Lunch and was still Planning on a night out with Thomas tonight even if I was in pain in the process.

Well we were relaxing and getting ready to get ready to take the boys to the sitter I got a text from her saying she couldn't babysit since she was sick. So the night with Thomas is off now regardless. So I did take a pain pill since I wouldnt have to be awake for our dinner or anything. I then told Thomas to get me a movie for tonight since we have to be home now and I have been wanting to see Stepfather for a little while So my sweetheart even as tired and not wanting to go out went ahead and went to go get me the movie and a rose LOL. I told him I wanted a rose and would come up with excuses to get him to go out till I got one. Gotta love him he does do everything he can to make me happy. I teased him a little this morning about he probably liking watching me in pain this morning but I know that he didnt and he was very sweet in taking care of me. I like pain somewhat myself but not that kind of pain and not for the reasons whatever they are that I was having it.

So right now things as far as what is going on with me are really in the air as we dont know what is making me so sick and I hope that it isnt anything like what the doctor said. I dont want to be ill and spending time in hospitals and all that. I want to be home with the boys and my man taking care of them instead of the other way around. Being ill is an emotional downer and I hate feeling like that. But just a heads up that I am not sure what all is going on or where Ill be at any moment. So if I go disappearing again I'm probably back in the hospital or something. Ill keep my readers and friends informed the best I can though. And I really appreciate all the kind emails and messages from those that I have come to know and care about as well through the scene and life in general. Thomas is a wonderful man and he is taking great care of me and the kids through all of this. I just hate that though as I know taking care of kids and a house while I am sick is not how he wants to spend his time thats for sure. But I am very fortunate and thankful that he does and doesn't even complain about it. So are the kids as I know it must be scary for them to see and go through this as well.

Valentines Day 2010

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Happy Valentines day readers and friends! This is one of my favorite holidays because of the roses and things LOL. I just love red roses and I love seeing them everywhere. It would be nice if I could convince to Thomas to get me one now and then but Ill be content knowing he loves and cherishes me anyway. He really is a special guy and I love today and always.

We are working on losing the kids for a few today so we can have a special night together. Nothing real special but one of my favorite memories is the first Valentines spanking party I ever went to where they had the spank the heart contest, It was an SOS spanking party with the wonderful friends in Atlanta they have this party and contest every year and it is alot of fun, We won that year and I must say I was really happy with how the heart turned out as you can see here.

So this year I asked Thomas if we could just have a night where we try for ourselves and take a picture of it. Of course I will share with the readers as well. It is alot of fun making shapes on Bottoms LOL. Thomas is real particular about his work as well. So the time and connection will also be wonderful. Ill say it will probably be easier since I am on medicine that if he looks at my bottom to long it will get read., LOL. But I'm always up for trying. He can probably even get it a really nice shade of red.

So even though we aren't entering a contest or anything it is still a fun event and if any of my readers would like to give it a try and send me their pics I can share them as well. So this year for valentines I would like to see how many hearts we can make tomorrow on bottoms everywhere. Have a good time with the one you love and then snap a pic and send it to me at c00kie_crawford@yahoo.com and Ill post the results on a future blog post. No rules or regulations just have a heart and a good time!

Have a great and fun safe Valentines. Lots of Love Cookie Crawford

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Comments and Graphics - Valentines Day Layouts - Photobucket

Sorry for disappearing

Sorry guys I had an unexpected trip to the hospital last week. So I havent been able to get online to post or approve comments. Out of 30 comments that needed moderated only one was an actual comment that wasn't spam. So I approved that one and rejected the spam. I'm feeling somewhat better but this place and these asthma attacks are taking a toll on me. I have alot of work ahead of me getting us out of this place is the main thing. It appears that there is some type of mold in the house that is affecting me greatly and my landlord is being difficult. Saying if we up and move that we are breaking our lease and that will go on our credit and things and we wont get our deposit back. I'm working on the legality of it all as well at the moment, The good thing for me though is that I apparently am not the only one that is having problems here. Our neighbors had code enforcement at their house the same day I had to be taken by ambulance to the ER. The sewage situation is pretty bad here and they have actually gotten sick themselves. Not sure what happened with their complaint as I just returned and its raining and I'm avoiding trying to get anywhere near any of the bad stuff thats around these parts. Also found out that there are code violations regarding the fact that none of these trailers or RVS that they are renting out have heat either so there might be some legal issues for the landlord already. My only concern isnt really getting the landlord in trouble or causing problems just getting out and into somewhere we can afford that wont kill me. It would be nice if she would just let us out of our lease and let it go at that but it is never that easy it seems.

Anyway I am still planning on taking the trip to Allstate this year. Not actually sure how Ill be as the medicines I am on are pretty heavy stuff and it makes playing difficult as far as sensitivity and bruising and things. But I would not want to miss Allstate at all. The people that I have gotten to know there are wonderful people and just getting away for that week will be a blessing for me even if I dont get to play much or anything. But I am really hoping to play and have a great time regardless.

Anyway I have alot of catching up to do with emails and things and planning things and getting back into the swing of life outside a hospital room LOL. Ill keep you guys informed as I can. Thanks to everyone for the kind emails and the well wishes. People that never even meet me in person sent me some really nice well wishes and hopes that my disappearance wasnt intentional or harmful.